AMBITIOUS PAUL AND THE DECAY OF ASTON VILLA
The next time you lose a tooth in a fist-fight, pick it up off the blood-stained floor and put into a pint of Bluster Fuel (note: if one of your teeth has already fallen into your beer, and you have not yet drunk it, proceed directly to step two; this is step two: sit back and watch the tooth slowly discolour and decay. Be aware that this is an ugly and very boring experiment, but stick with it and you will feel something interesting, if unsettling: you will develop a profound sense of empathy for Aston Villa fans, who have been watching something similar for the best part of five years.
Ever since Randy Lerner extracted a large chunk of ambition from the club before finally announcing last year that he was eager to sell up, Villa have seemed to be rotting. This was not, apparently, the plan. In fact, the idea, first under Alex McLeish and then under Paul Lambert, was to invigorate the team with cheap young blood while excising older and more costly talents, and if the resultant progress bears uncanny similarities to the advance of rigor mortis, that was entirely unintended. But the fact is Villa stink and their current decomposition is offensive to even the strongest-stomached Premier League viewers. At least Fulham had the good grace to get gone within a season.
Something had to be done about the Villa obscenity. On Tuesday night,
Lerner decided to discard Lambert and possibly start hoping that: a) Lambert would forget that he was given a lucrative new four-year contract just a few months ago; and b) a new manager can revive the side or at least improve a strike-rate that currently means a whole generation of football follower is more likely to have seen a Birmingham City Wembley triumph than an Aston Villa goal.
Lambert took the news with admirable dignity, resisting any temptation to daub a two-word message to fans on a big white bed sheet and instead
declaring: “I pay tribute to the supporters who are among the most passionate I have ever encountered. They rightly hold huge expectations for their beloved football club and I sincerely hope they are rewarded with the success they deserve. I completely understand their frustrations and always shared their view that the football club is too big not to be competing at the top end of the table. I hope that can happen. You never stop learning in football management and I certainly believe the invaluable experience from my time as Villa manager will prove hugely beneficial in the next stage of my managerial career.”
Tim Sherwood, who is rapidly becoming a sort of footballing kama sutra, has been linked with the position.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I have been many times to England and I am bored compared with what’s happening here in the stands sometimes. The game against [The Pope’s Newcastle O’] Rangers is special. They don’t have that. I have been at [Manchester] United, Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham and it’s not near the atmosphere there was in that game” – Queen’s Celtic boss Ronny Deila
gets all up in the Premier League’s grille.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
AND RECOMMENDED LISTENING
TYKE THAT AND PARTY
11 February: “We’ll have to wait and be patient, it’s a watchword that’s a premium at this moment in time” – Barnsley boss Danny Wilson backs the club to bounce back after falling to 17th in League One.
12 February: “Danny will always be welcome back at Oakwell” – Barnsley book Wilson a romantic Valentine’s meal for one at local fast-food joint Do One.
STILL NOT THE LAST OF YOUR MUNDANE ENCOUNTERS WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE
“I used to work at a cinema in Ipswich, where the highlight of my working day was serving the occasional Ipswich Town footballer. Imagine my delight when, during a previously uneventful shift on a Thursday afternoon, I saw Kieron Dyer, my favourite footballer as a kid, approach my till. As he walked towards me, somehow managing to avoid knacking a leg or snapping a toe en route, I wondered what I was going to say to him. He went on to order a large popcorn (salted) and a regular drink (Coke), even though, as I pointed out to him at the time, it was cheaper to make the drink large to qualify for a ‘large combo deal’. Anyway, when I plucked up the nerve towards the end of the transaction, I asked Kieron what he thought the Ipswich score would be the approaching weekend. Kieron said, rather boldly, ‘a win, 3-0’, accompanied with a forced smile. They say don’t meet your heroes. I agree, don’t do it. Not once did Kieron say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ during the order and, with Kieron’s prediction ringing in my ears, I watched on helpless as we slumped to a 6-0 defeat against Blackpool” – Nathan Beales.
“In the summer of 1996, Plymouth Argyle won promotion to the heady heights of the then Second Divison (now League One) through the play-offs in their first ever trip to Wembley. The score was 1-0, courtesy of a Ronnie Mauge header. One night that summer, myself and a couple of my mates saw Ronnie and a friend of his in KFC in Plymouth at about 2am one Sunday. Recognising him, my friend shouted to the packed establishment: ‘Do you know who this is? It’s Ronnie Mauge! He got us promoted! Get out of the way and let him get his chicken.’ He parted the crowd and moved Ronnie and his friend to the front of the queue. As he followed Ronnie through the shop, my mate asked Ronnie who his friend was and the friend replied: ‘I’m Frank Sinclair.’ My mate’s immediate response was: ‘Eff off, where are your dreadlocks.’ I had to explain to him he that it was Trevor Sinclair he was thinking of, but he didn’t really care. Ronnie and Frank seemed to think it was pretty funny, though” – Kit Hunswick.
“Back in the day, mid-70s, we used to steal into Empire Stadium in Vancouver, Canada, and watch former Blackpool keeper Tony Waiters run the troops known as the Vancouver Whitecaps. We’d all be gathered around the pitch which was green felt on concrete at the time (artificial turf). After the practice was over the players would sometimes have us come and fun scrimmage with them. They put me in goal, and ran a drill where Phil ‘Lofty’ Parkes of Wolves (and Monty Python fame!) would barrel down the left flank and cross for an onrushing Bobby Campbell. I was lucky to ever get a finger on one, and proceeded to destroy my belief that I could have been a keeper. I was fine until that day. Just for that I made off with one of their footballs. It was a good trade-off” – Mike Tuzzi.
“In 2006, I accompanied an Italian friend to see his beloved Juve v Arsenal in the Champions League at Highbury. While waiting outside I saw Tom Watt; my day of destiny had arrived. I darted over and accosted the popular local radio DJ, and one-time EastEnders legend, and before he could get away, and before selfies were as annoying as they are now, I exclaimed: ‘You’re Lofty, and I’m Lofty, we need to get a photo.’ As you can see from Tom’s terrified face, he probably would have felt more comfortable had Dirty Den come back to life again. To this day I still don’t think he had a clue what was going on” – Steve Lofty.
Lofty + Lofty, 2006. Photograph: Steve Lofty
FIVER LETTER
“Further to the mundane canal-based ‘encounter’ with French philosopher Eric Cantona (yesterday’s MEWFP), can I please be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out that the vessel he was piloting would have been a narrowboat, not a barge. Such distinctions matter enormously to the likes of my good lady wife, who spends her working day filling up a website with words for canal users. ‘D Lynch’ (if that is his or her real name) rather surprisingly fails to note the presence or otherwise of any seagulls, probably because a trawler wouldn’t have fitted down the Bridgewater Canal” – Andy Myall.
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BITS AND BOBS
Eden Hazard will be having the legs hacked from under him in the colours of Chelsea until 2020 after he put his John Hanc0ck on a shiny new contract. “I am very happy to sign a new contract with Chelsea,”
cheered Hazard, as Branislav Ivanovic got up close and personal with his neck. It’s just what Branislav likes to do.
The FA has decided to sling neither a hook nor a book at Crystal Palace after a fan at Selhurst Park decided they had too much money and got rid of some of it in Fabricio Coloccini’s direction during the 1-1 draw with Newcastle. “I have seen it and it misses Colo’s eye by an inch – another inch and it could blind him,”
roared John Carver.
Meanwhile in Brazil, sometime professional footballer Anderson got his career with Internacional off to a flyer by missing a penalty in the 0-0 draw against Cruzeiro.
STILL WANT MORE?
Everything you ever wanted to know about … Liverpool’s Jordan Ibe,
from Andy Hunter.
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