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Such brazen unburdening of one of football’s last taboos
 GOB ALMIGHTY
When The Fiver heard claims that Jonny Evans and Papiss Cissé had swapped spit right in the middle of last night’s Newcastle-Manchester United tryst, we cheered in celebration of such brazen unburdening of one of football’s last taboos. Public defiance of senseless and unnatural strictures liberates us all, as The Fiver often explains after passing wind, so the players’ insouciant exchange was a most welcome development. Then we were informed that we’d misunderstood and there was, in fact, nothing amorous about the suspected exchange between the players. It was, we were told, straight up filth.
“There are kids watching, something has to be done!” squealed Dietmar Hamman on Match of the Day as footage seemed to show liquid hurtling out of each player’s mouth and heading in the direction of the other. It has been suggested that the players were behaving like camels, but pedants pointed out that camels do not spray saliva, they merely burp up semi-digested food and spew that unwholesome purée at suspected aggressors. But that’s not a distinction on which The Fiver cares to dwell: as poor spellers, we have always believed that hare-splitting is the business of vivisectionists.
Besides, just as there was talk of a possible ban for the players, it emerged that the images apparently misled and one of the players did not spit at all. At least that is what Evans says and does a man accused of spitting at another in public really strike you as the sort of person who would lie? “Having woken up this morning I am shocked to have seen the media coverage from last night’s match,” barfed Evans. “I would like to make it clear that I did not spit at Papiss Cissé. It is not in my character or in my nature to spit at anybody nor is it something I have ever done or would ever do,” continued the Manchester United defender, the words streaming from his mouth like cud from a llama’s.
Meanwhile, Cissé said sorry, without specifying for what. “I have apologies to make to a lot of people today,” he began. “Firstly to my team-mates and to our supporters, secondly to Jonny Evans, and thirdly to every football fan who saw the incident between myself and Jonny. I reacted to something I found very unpleasant. Sometimes it is hard not to react, particularly in the heat of the moment. I have always tried hard to be positive a role model, especially for our young fans, and yesterday I let you down.”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I think that the DBU board is trying to make fools of us players, fans and sponsors. It’s odd that the DBU sent people to negotiations yesterday who cannot negotiate. Most of all, it is a waste of time for all parties” – Wigan’s William Kvist gets his funk on as Denmark’s international players accuse the country’s FA of trying to make them look bad after the latest talks about a new collective bargaining agreement ended in stalemate. A big day for the Danes.
RECOMMENDED LISTENINGFIVER LETTERS
“Footballers in rap lyrics (yesterday’s Fiver letters)? Want to make this a thing? Here’s a good’un: ‘To my boys who hassle banks like Jimmy Floyd, Natwest TSB Lloyds.’ Riddla, guesting on Roots Manuva’s ‘Hol’ It Up’” – Nick Wiltsher.
“Can I direct readers to the wonderful ‘Strachan’ by Irish band The Hitchers. It’s about a chap trying to watch his beloved Nasty Leeds in their 1992 championship season, while having an argument with his girlfriend at the same time. It’s a genuinely good pop song, which I discovered via the John Peel show about 20 years ago” – Adam Kay.
“While reading yesterday’s Bits and Bobs about 31 Millwall fans travelling to Middlesbrough, I was reminded of the 1990-91 season. I was working in London and my mate Neil (a Preston fan) convinced me to go to a Monday night game at Craven Cottage, Fulham v Preston. It was the middle of winter, bitterly cold and the away end was roofless. It must have been six below and the wind was whipping in off the Thames. I was well wrapped up and a young lad came over wearing nothing but a short sleeve shirt. ‘I’m f-f-f-f-freezing,’ he stuttered. ‘Yes. I can see,’ I offered. He went to buy some Bovril and, as I followed his shivering gait to the pie van, I counted 33 Preston fans in the away end. I’m not sure many had travelled down, as most were suited. That night Preston lost 1-0 and we sang one song – ‘Yellows, yellows …’ – as Preston were playing in yellow. The song was very low in volume, weak and thready. We soon stopped. I looked at my shoes for a bit, feeling all wrong and slightly ashamed. I feel for those 31 Millwall fans, I hope there was Bovril” – Marten Allen.
“Patrick Brennan’s emulsions regarding Premier League B teams being fielded in the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy (yesterday’s letters) shouldn’t be glossed over, though he must surely see the value in stripping down teams to thin out players who can’t perform from their squads. Without looking to brush it aside, there’s no moral turps-itude at stake here and no one should be too concerned as long as there’s a decent finish” – Brendan Dempsey.
“As a one-time hipster and musical one-upman, I’m happy to reassure Patrick Brennan that B-sides are always better” – Simon Bell.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Marten Allen.
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BITS AND BOBS
Bobby M isn’t letting something small like Everton plummeting towards the Championship spoil his day. No way. “At least we get a proper rest now,” he cheered after the 2-0 loss to Stoke. “We have just played five games in two weeks and it showed, but we still have 10 games to play and six of them are at Goodison.”
Come on Tim! Aston Villa have brought Stiliyan Petrov back to the club as a coach. “I would never bring him in to be a mascot,” parped Tim.
Winston Reid has cashed in his negotiating chips for a six-and-a-half year deal with West Ham. “We weighed all the factors up and I’m delighted to be staying here,” he trousered.
Swansea forward Bafétimbi Gomis is “feeling well” after collapsing on the pitch during the 3-2 defeat at Spurs. “It actually looks much more scary than physically dangerous,” he said.
Sunderland boss Gus Poyet has been charged by the FA with improper conductin the draw at Hull.
And Roy Keane must appear at Trafford magistrates’ court on 31 March over an alleged road-rage row with a taxi driver.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires is feeling festive at the thought of a Christmas World Cup in Qatar.
Spitting? Worse than the Guardian Young Team bash multiplied by that Clean Bandit advert, reckon some. Gregg Bakowski offers some more perspective.
Ten talking points from … the midweek Premier League games.
In this week’s Classic YouTube … Manchester United v Arsenal in the Cup, and a contender for the worst corner ever taken.
Invincibles? More like Expendables, scoffs Barney Ronay as Chelsea’s old guard deliver at Upton Park.
Jamie Jackson was unimpressed by Manuel Pellegrini’s tinkering as Manchester City beat Leicester.
DJ Pat Nevin, and a Post-it Martin Keown – these are a few of our favourite things this week.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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2015년 3월 8일 일요일
The Fiver
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