PSG AIN’T GOT NO HISTORY
Last week,
the Fiver established beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Living Wage proselytiser Comrade Roman Abramovich is these days politically several shades of red to the left of the laissez-faire neo-bampots who run the Premier League. But the repositioning of the Chelsea brand doesn’t end there! Because in Big Cup tonight, Abramovich’s club, so often cast in the role of gauche arrivistes, find themselves in an unfamiliar position as the old-money grandees of the piece. Which is unquestionably what they’ll be when compared to uber-nouveau-riche lottery-winning rabble Paris St-Germain, almost certainly the only people in France who don’t know which knife and fork to pick up first with their big, clumsy, soil-shovelling hands.
José Mourinho is certainly to the manner born when it comes to delivering withering verdicts with a haughty sniff, and ahead of tonight’s class war, he firmly put PSG in their place. “I know the PSG project well because when they started this project, I was to be the coach,” the little lord revealed. “I met them in Qatar. It was not the right moment for me. But Paris is a big team with big ambitions.” As ever, Mourinho’s compliment was a perfectly timed back-handed slap, for what he was actually highlighting in that last line was PSG’s relative failure in Europe, and heaping the pressure on accordingly. “The project was to start dominating in France and to dominate in Europe,” he continued, before letting the following line hang: “The domination in France is there.” At which point PSG coach Laurent Blanc should have parried with a witty rejoinder, but he was too busy blowing his nose into his napkin.
In fairness, Blanc probably was wise not to get involved in a slanging match with Mourinho, the provocateur supreme, and a man recently described by France Football as L’Emmerdeur. That monicker, with fascistic firewalls in mind, cannot be translated literally by your favourite unfunny daily email, suffice to say Mourinho has been accused of gleefully stirring the rather unpleasant contents of a pot; of the deliberate and provocative rearrangement of waste product; of jobby juggling. Vulgar, nay déclassé, language from a normally elegant periodical. The Fiver is aghast, ready to swoon, overcome by vapours. Mourinho, however, was unperturbed, and finished with a flourish, promising that “we are not going to see the best Diego Costa” in the wake of his three-game domestic ban for strolling up and down Emre Can. Another statement tinged with knowing disingenuousness, there, given Costa will be up against a defence marshalled by former Chelsea music-hall act David Luiz. As PSG might find to their cost tonight, even for £50m, you can’t buy class.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Arrigo Sacchi has denied making racist comments at an awards ceremony.Photograph: Pedro Armestre/AFP/Getty Images
“I’m not racist … but there are too many blacks in youth teams’” – as ‘I’m not racist buts’ go,
Arrigo Sacchi’s is pretty spectacular.
YOUR MUNDANE ENCOUNTERS WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE GO ON … AND ON … AND ON
“I spent the summer of 2001 working on a farm in Essex, and one afternoon was required to
rotavate a field by the M25, in front of what turned out to be Trevor Sinclair’s house. His son came outside and rode in the tractor with me for a while, then asked (actually more demanded) for me to let him ride on the rotavator. He didn’t seem pleased at my refusal despite me explaining that it would have led to certain death, and eventually jumped out and ran back to the house, whereupon Tricky Trev himself appeared at the door. As a West Ham fan my first instinct was to sprint up there and do a Wayne Campbell style ‘we’re not worthy’ at his feet for scoring the best goal I’ve ever seen (the volley from Joe Cole’s cross v Derby that beats his one for QPR hands down), but I restrained myself to a wave from the cab which he reciprocated. Good times” – Mark Jelbert.
“Imagine our surprise when, as nine and seven year old whippersnappers respectively, my brother and I knocked on the door of my Nan’s next door neighbour in 1987, only to have it opened by none other than PFA player of the year, John Barnes! Turns out he had popped around to have his haircut. He was a true gent, and invited us in, and let us wear his first England Cap. As a precocious youngster, I vaguely recall wanting to ask why he would have brought said cap around to that appointment, other than perhaps to cover up his new do!” – Mike Hulse.
“Back in the early 90’s I was unfortunately laid up in Blackburn Infirmary after receiving an ACL replacement. Being a lifelong Blackburn Rovers supporter, I couldn’t believe my eyes, when who should walk in, on the way to his private room I hasten to add, but the great Alan Shearer. Apparently, he was in for an exploratory operation on his knee. I quickly asked the nurse if she could get an autograph for me. I had a look around, but the only thing I had at hand was the book I was reading at the time, Muhammad Ali by Thomas Hauser. The nurse duly obliged, and he kindly signed the book, which I still have tucked away somewhere. After this chance ‘meeting’, and using an extreme amount of poetic licence, over the next few years I went back to my home town club, who I helped manage to a league title. He went back to a small town club and helped them win the Premier league. I then moved to New Zealand and helped a small town club to the Premier League title. He then went back to his home town club and helped manage them to… oh!” – David Warburton.
“During the height of summer last year here in Berlin, my housemate and I attempted to move a sofa we had acquired to our house. Struggling with the unwieldy beast and the uncomfortable heat, I had a wee sit on the sofa by the side of the road, whilst my mate went around the corner to see how far the tram stop was. Up pulled a Range Rover containing a very attractive woman and Lukas Podolski, who gave me quite a dirty look, obviously perturbed to see a shirtless man sat on a sofa by the side of the road. My housemate returned with news of the trams, and was completely nonplussed by my encounter with a World Cup winner” – Michael Wood.
FIVER LETTER
“I bet Mark Ireland thought that the third string keeper for Canada’s only World Cup team couldn’t be beat for mundaneness, but apparently Sven Habermann has recently emerged from a lifetime of obscurity. He’s invented a rapid pepper spray delivery system, obviously, and recently appeared on a popular Canadian TV show where would be inventors beg wealthy investors for money.
They offered him a million dollars and he turned them down” – Ian Gatensby.
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BITS AND BOBS
Mr Roy said he wouldn’t be against the Premier League lobbing some of its £5bn in spare change the way of the FA to help sort out the knacked grassroots game. “The FA doesn’t have the financial resources of the
Premier League so any help we can get, we’ll be very, very grateful,” tin-rattled Mr Roy.
Birmingham City say the club’s future is secure despite their parent company appointing receivers to try to end the infighting on its board. That clears that one up then.
And Scott Marshall has been rewarded for his 100% record as Aston Villa caretaker manager by being bundled on to
the Good Ship Do One.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around long-form audio versions of Barry Glendenning shooting the breeze with a collection of footballing cult heroes in our
Guardian Football Meets series here.
STILL WANT MORE?
A Big Cup tickets from the days when Ford Capris were de rigueur. Photograph: Reader
Sid Lowe explains those Bernabéu boos here, and how Schalke presents the opportunity for a big slurp of
Big Cup tonic.
Will Ander Herrera’s goal against Preston ignite his Manchester United career like a teenage boy mucking around with matches and a can of Lynx Africa?
Jamie Jackson ponders.
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RECALLING THE HEADY DAYS OF ‘FREE-KICK MAN’
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