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Brand awareness, customer loyalty and buzz-quenching beer prices
 THE TROUBLE WITH JUNK FOOD
As an anti-role model, the Fiver knows there are certain standards of behaviour it is expected to fail to live up to, and we genuinely become abusive with remorse if we are ever caught being dignified, sensible or well-groomed. Fortunately such incidents are few and far between and when they occur most people immediately assume it couldn’t be the Fiver and must be someone else, as with that ‘CCTV’ footage of exemplary ‘Special Cuddling’ from the Valley.
Premier League clubs, on the other hand, are expected to uphold certain values. Such as brand awareness, customer loyalty and buzz-quenching beer prices. So you can imagine the gnashing and name-calling that broke out in Liverpool’s HQ when word filtered back from focus groups that some of the club’s customer base was unsatisfied with the new campaign launched by the club’s official pedlar of sugar-loaded bakery products. There was Liverpool, innocently using its position as a much-admired sporting institution to help flog junk food to kids, when Dunkin’ Donuts unwittingly went and polluted the memory of the victims of the Hillsborough tragedy. From the all-important commercial point of view, that’s a clear don’t. From the increasingly obscured ethical viewpoint, it’s probably worse than, say, renting shirt space out to a bank that has been fined for not doing enough to discourage money laundering.
Fortunately, Dunkin’ Donuts didn’t get where they are today – which is just about everywhere – by not having someone on hand with a bucket and mop to wipe up any unpleasantness before someone slips in it and does more costly damage. “We apologise for any insensitivity regarding our tweet supporting an LFC-themed promotion featuring the LFC crest,” simpered Dunkin’ Donuts after deleting its tweet featuring an altered version of the Liverpool crest in which the Hillsborough eternal flames had been replaced by what appeared to be milkshakes, just like the ones Jordan Henderson and Raheem Sterling don’t drink on a regular basis. The crest also wrote over ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ with the similarly inspiring ‘America runs on Dunkin’’, though evidently there was not enough room to complete the new legend with ‘’but not very far before breaking down and wheezing like a pimply slob”.
In a statement to the Liverpool Echo, the company confirmed that it had deemed the campaign not fit enough to continue. “As a proud partner of LFC, we did not intend any offence, particularly to the club’s supporters,” read the statement. “We have removed the tweet and halted the campaign immediately.”
LIVE BIG VASE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT!QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m sort of sad for him, for us to have stolen the show” – Prince Albert II ruffles Arsène Wenger’s hair after watching his side give Arsenal the footballing equivalent of a massive wedgie in Big Cup last night.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“Of course it’s going to take time, but I’ve managed one game and scored one goal, so, [that’s a] good ratio” – Tactics Tim, one game, one defeat as Aston Villa manager, looks at it another way.
FIVER LETTERS
“Maybe this was just an LA Confidential Body of Lies dreamt up by The Insider but the Fiver must be Breaking Up having missed a Rompser Stomper today. That Man of Steel, Gladiator himself, The Russell That Crowes, is turning over in his Beautiful Mind whether he wants to become Master and Commander of Les mid table Miserables aka Nasty Leeds. Proof is always needed in the Spotsworld, but could this Cinderella Man, The Man with Iron Fists really put the Hammers Over The Anvil and fashion from his own Virtuosity a Noahs Ark to work some Rough Magic on their State of Play to turn this into A Good Year finally making them The Nice Guys from the Broken City? Or is this just Love in Limbo, a Winters Tale, living For The Moment, I guess The Sum of Us will know in The Next Three Days” – Peter Fosse.
“Chances are that if you’re wallowing in self pity, you’re almost certainly an Arsenal fan. But fear not - if you’d like to vicariously achieve success, or alternatively not feel crushing disappointment every February/March, go and play tennis. Because don’t forget, it’s not the failure that kills you, it’s the hope” – James Clark.
“You are being a bit harsh with your prize-less letter of the day. Adam Johnson’s convoluted pun made me laugh out loud on the bus, which is more than can be said for the rest of my favourite tea-time football-related email” – Cassie Houlden (and no other easily pleased readers).
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Peter Fosse (if only for the effort).
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BITS AND BOBS
Luis Suárez thinks English hacks are “making trouble” after suggestions he might have had a taste of Martín Demichelis’s arm in Big Cup on Tuesday.
Mark Noble will never leave West Ham. Ever.
Thinking of trying – and missing – a panenka at a Serbian military base? You might want to think again.
The Greek parliament has backtracked on its decision to Stop Football indefinitely because of hooliganism and will instead just Stop Football this weekend. “Under the current circumstances, it is impossible to have Super League games played this weekend,” said a government suit.
Having somehow held his own in the ramshackle mess that has been Manchester United’s defence this season, Tyler Blackett has been given a new two-and-a-half-year deal at the club.
And Borussia Dortmund’s stadium was cordoned off while a World War II bomb, that was somehow overlooked for the best part of 60 years, was defused. “The stadium and fan world are open again,” cheered a club suit, after some expert wire-fiddling.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
“Rehab was the best 26 days of my life” – in the latest of our Guardian Football meets … series, Dean Windass speaks candidly about his personal struggles since his football career ended.
RECOMMENDED LISTENINGSTILL WANT MORE?
Words! Stats! Pics! It’s Big Cup review!
Ajax are really good at bringing young players through. Unsurprisingly, much better than English clubs, writes in-house number-cruncher Ed Aarons.
Yet more numbers! In 281 knockout ties in the history of Big Cup, only six teams have gone through after losing the first leg at home. But how many of those lost that first leg by a two-goal margin? It does not make pretty reading for Arsenal fans.
JS Kabylie’s return after Albert Ebossé’s death shows lessons have not been learned, writes Maher Mezahi.
Like the Conservative Party in 1993, Arsenal have got to go back to basics,warns Floating Football Brain in a Box, Jonathan Wilson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing ... you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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2015년 2월 26일 목요일
The Fiver
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