HEAD PIG
Throw a pig’s head at Sepp Blatter and he’d no doubt think it is the first course in another epic Fifa swankfest, one followed by swordfish fricassé, truffled wildebeest and sevruga caviar on a bed of handmade penne and lashed servants. Throw a swine’s bonce at Luis Figo, however, and he’d immediately recall the gruesome way that Barcelona greeted him when he returned to Camp Nou with Real Madrid back in the day. Figo, you see, used to be a gifted and enormously popular and unpopular footballer, and that is pretty much all the Fiver knows about him. Yet we still reckon he would have more legitimacy as Fifa boss than Herr Blatter.
Funny we should mention that actually, because since we wrote those opening lines over last night’s kebab this morning, Figo has only gone and declared his candidacy for the upcoming Fifa presidential elections!
“If you search Fifa on the internet you see the first word that comes out: scandal,” tut-tutted Figo while explaining his reasons for putting himself forward. The Fiver checked out his claim and it turns out that if you search Fifa on the internet, the first word that comes out now is ‘Figo’, so it seems the Portuguese is already cleaning up the world governing body’s image! It’s an auspicious start and no mistake, and what’s more Figo’s bid isn’t even being bankrolled by bookies and simpletons. Hear that David Ginola, you silly stunt?
In fact, Figo says he has been given the backing of at least five national associations, meaning that he, unlike Le Magnifique and, indeed, Jérôme Champagne, already meets the minimum criteria for being allowed to try to challenge Blatter. So that’s Figo, Prince Ali of Jordan and the Dutch FA’s prize tulip, Michael van Praag, who seem ready to jump into Reliant Robins to race against the Blatter mobile. “Last year was the World Cup, I was in Brazil and I saw the reaction of all the fans regarding the image of Fifa and I think something has to be changed,” continued Figo, before declaring that the controversy over Fifa’s decision to obscure the findings of Michael Garcia’s report into the bids for the 2018 and 2022 World Cup was another factor in his decision to run. “After that report was not published I think that was the moment of change and the moment I thought that something had to be done,” Figo trilled. “If you are transparent and if you ask for an investigation, a report, which you have nothing to hide, why don’t you make public that report? It is not a good decision.”
The Fiver takes its dunce’s hat off to anyone with integrity who stands up to Blatter, and sincerely hopes that Figo belongs in that category. Something tells us that someone somewhere is going to be doing their utmost to dig up muck on him right now.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Barry Glendenning for Sheffield United 1-2 Tottenham (agg: 1-3) at 7.45pm GMT, and keep Paul Doyle company for Atlético Madrid 1-1 Barcelona at 8pm GMT.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Previous Barça ethical stances:
2005: “Next they’ll be taking toddlers. This is hot-housing: young boys should be left alone” – an Australian coach is outraged when Barcelona take a six-year-old on trial.
2011 “It was very tempting, but it wasn’t the right time for me or my family. River was my home and I’m sure we made the right decision” – Erik Lamela says his family turned down Barcelona’s offer of £100,000-a-year, a house and jobs for his parents when he was 12.
2014: “We’re proud of signing Neymar but now it seems as if we have to apologise for it” – Barcelona president Josep Maria Bartomeu apologises after former president Sandro Rosell stands down following fraud allegations over the signing of Neymar.
Més que un clube.
FIVER LETTERS
“You asked for it! Since it normally takes at least 30 seconds, following a goal (and that would be quick) for the ball to be returned to the centre circle following the obligatory celebration and the slow trot back to face the kick-off, it would be nigh on impossible for Chelsea to be leading 1251-0 (yesterday’s fiver). Even allowing for a generous 10 minutes of additional time, each goal would have to be scored in less than 4.8 seconds. Even allowing for the fact that the celebrations might tail off somewhat after the 100th goal that would be going some” – John Myles.
“Ignore the previous one. This is phrased better. You asked for it! Since it probably takes at least 30 seconds, following a goal (and that would be quick) for the ball to be returned to the centre circle, following the obligatory celebration and the slow trot back to face the kick off, it would be nigh on impossible for Chelsea to be leading 1251-0 (yesterday’s fiver). If we add a generous 10 minutes of additional time, each goal would have to be scored in less than 4.8 seconds. Even allowing for the fact that the celebrations might tail off somewhat after the 100th goal that would be going some” – John Myles.
“May one enquire as to why have you discontinued the ‘Bigger Plug than BFG’s Bath’ segment? Please don’t throw the plug out with the bathwater. Or have you already yanked the chain? Kindly advise the great unwashed” – Jaime Abrahamse.
“I must confess that I am becoming concerned about the health and wellbeing of the down trodden epitome of woe that is the Fiver. First it claims to have trouble dialling a telephone (Fiver, passim) and today it claims to be washing its teeth with chocolate milk. The resemblances to a certain Homer Simpson in Fat Man Homer are becoming alarming. If you would like me to arrange a typing wand please mash your palm into the keyboard now” – Dan Davies.
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the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: John Myles 2.0.
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho: things are getting strange he’s starting to worry; this could be a case for Mulder and Scully. Photograph: Julian Finney/Getty Images
Modern football dept: after being known as the Santiago Bernabéu for 59 years, Real Madrid’s home
will now be pronounced the Abu Dhabi Bernabéu after an investment group from the ethics-rich country flashed some petrodollars.
Manchester City will not have Yaya Touré back in their ranks at the weekend even if the Ivory Coast are dumped out of the Africa Cup of Nations this evening. “The plan is for all players to fly back to Ivory Coast after being knocked out,” said media officer Eric Kakou, carrying a large hammer.
Newcastle forward Moussa Sissoko has been making more friends on Tyneside. “My aim is to play for the biggest clubs,” he come-and-get-me-pleaded. “After that, it doesn’t just depend on me. The interested club needs to speak to Newcastle.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Who is campaigning against whom? The referees and the media against Chelsea? Or Chelsea against everyone else?
Paul Wilson investigates.
When will Mario Balotelli justify Liverpool’s decision to sign him? The wait, like the beat, goes on,
writes Andy Hunter.
Which football-fan actors have appeared on screen in the colours of a rival?
The Knowledge knows.
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