LOTS OF BOTHER
The Fiver found itself in quite the tight spot this lunchtime. Belly a-rumblin’, we stood in front of the refridgerated display cabinet at our local sandwicherie lost in a thick fog of indecision. Would it be the Wiltshire-cured ham & pickle on granary, or avocado & chipotle chicken flatbread? On the one hand, the tang of pickle combined with a thick slice of Trowbridge-visiting porkiness might be very delicious indeed, but on the other hand a bit of smokey pepper would give a blast of fiery excitement to the comforting stylings of the chicken. It crossed our minds that, while a perfectly ripe Hass avocado is a treat for any occasion, the label refused to reveal whether they had used the inferior Fuerte, though of course that had to be balanced against the fact that flatbreads have the benefit of being less prone to doughy pappiness than most mass-produced baked goods. Our gaze drifted from one to the other. Ham or chicken? Pickle or avocado? Granary or flatbread? The Fiver simply could not decide.
Unable to come to our own conclusion, we thought for a while about how best to make the decision. We could ask a fellow shopper to choose, but they would certainly consider it strange behaviour and may well ignore us completely, in the way that Londoners do when approached by strangers in public places. At worst, we might end up with a face full of pepper spray like the time when, on our way home from a biscuit-purchasing expedition, we asked that girl whether she’d choose one of our Ginger Nuts, go for our Viennese Finger or simply enjoy our Happy Face. And what if they recommended the pole & line caught tuna and rocket? Then, like the remains of that Salisbury-raised pig, we’d really be in a pickle. Of course we could toss a coin. Or we could eliminate both and have soup instead. But no! We resolved instead to be inspired by the way that professional decision-makers make such difficult choices, and thus cancelled lunch entirely and arranged the drawing of lots in a posh hotel sometime tomorrow.
This, after all, was the method so successfully employed by African football supremos Caf this afternoon to decide whether Mali or Guinea should qualify from Group D in the Cup of Nations, the two sides having drawn every group game 1-1 to finish unsplittably stuck together, like slices of bread in a peanut butter sandwich (not on our shortlist). It just so happened that the teams to be split played each other in their final group game, opening up the possibility of deciding everything on the night. They could have played extra-time, organised a penalty shoot-out, tossed a coin in the centre circle, forced the captains to play speed chess or baked Battenburgs and asked a sweet-natured old lady and a preening blue-eyed baker boy to choose between them. A world of possibilities was open.
But instead Caf acted as most great sporting administrators do when there’s a decision to be made, and booked a conference hall in the poshest available hotel. And they decided to wait a day or so before doing it, just to be certain the catering would be up to scratch.
After Guinea’s name was plucked out, the Guardian’s man on the scene, Jonathan Wilson, reported seeing a Malian delegate actually literally weeping on his way out of the Malabo Hilton. “They have to find another way,” he sobbed, tears running down his cheeks, overcome with injustice at the way the draw had been made. Either that or he’d asked a total stranger to choose him a biscuit.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I actually wasn’t a massive burger eater at McDonald’s, to be honest. My favourite was the Sausage and Egg McMuffin. I used to have one or two of those on the way into training on occasion” – in this latest of our Michael Haneke-inspired home invasion series,
Matt Le Tissier welcomes Barry Glendenning through his front gate. Watch the whole interview below.
FIVER LETTERS
“On a recent flight from Perth to Sydney, I noticed a large delegation of hangers-on wearing Qatar uniforms and a few senior honchos in traditional gear. They were in Sydney at the start of the Asian Cup and, no doubt to rub our collective noses in the fact that Australia’s hapless World Cup hosting bid which cost about $224m (inc VAT) procured one single solitary vote. Thank you ever so much Mr Blatter and co. So, at the luggage carousel, I sauntered up to the man who appeared to be in charge of their delegation. I welcomed them to Australia, I asked if everything was OK and asked if they were OK speaking ‘Australian English’. They all laughed and replied in reasonably good English. I then said that I understood from overnight media releases that they were in Australia to formally hand back their rights to host the World Cup, to denounce Blatter … and to nominate Australia as the heir apparent to host the World Cup. I added that I had a small TV crew waiting outside but, as is our custom with important foreign guests, I needed to humbly seek their permission for an interview first. A not insignificant amount of pandemonium ensued. Suddenly all vestiges of English phraseology disappeared like a desert mirage and almost as quickly as Australia’s $224m. One honcho ran off calling for security while I slipped away quickly and quietly into a cab. I may have to avoid Qatar for a while” – Jaime Abrahamse.
“As someone who’s done a lot of work with interaction design, I hate the word ‘interactive’. I hate the way it’s now attached to any sentence that aims to sound forward-thinking, up-to-date, down-with-the-kids. Chris Gibbons,
talking about his FA diversity course with Dave Whelan, said ‘we structure courses with interactive exercises aimed at helping people’ – or as they used to be know, Chris, ‘exercises’. Please, make it stop” – Keith Hennigan.
“In order that The Fiver can slip successfully past spam-blocking what-nots, and into work email accounts, it has long been deemed necessary to refer to a team from North Lincolnshire as Firewall FC. With that in mind, I’m wondering: how many Fiver readers may have missed out on yesterday’s ‘sw@nkfest’?” – Tim Grey.
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BITS AND BOBS
The BBC … sorry,
we have coughed up £204m to keep the likes of Premier League highlights on Match of the Day until 2019.
Well done, us. “The BBC has done a fantastic job with its Match of the Day programmes which provide high quality coverage and analysis,” trilled Richard Scudamore, as Mark Lawrenson headed for the shirts shop, Robbie Savage did a little dance and The Fiver wept.
Mario Balotelli’s Mr 15% insists the Liverpool striker will be staying at Anfield. “I saw him on Monday and told him: ‘You have a four-year contract and I will not send you away. Or you leave Liverpool at €60m-€70m, and I win my bet, or you will die there’,”
trousered Mino Raiola. “It’s the first time I have made a speech like that to a player.”
Chelsea are
prepared to meet the £26.8m release clause in Juan Cuadrado’s Fiorentina contract, but need to ship out André Schürrle before any deal can go through. Meanwhile, José Mourinho’s sulking has extended to cancelling tomorrow’s pre-match press conference.
Mutch ado about £4.75m or so, what with QPR midfielder Jordan heading down to Selhurst Park on a four-and-a-half-year deal. Crystal Palace have also splashed out nothing on Shola Am£op.
Staying in Sheffield, Wednesday have announced a club takeover by the Thai Union Frozen Group, which owns John West Foods, the world’s biggest producer of tuna, it says here. “My son Att, who was a mascot at the recent Blackpool game, is passionate about football and I know will be my inspiration in this project,”
trumpeted Dejphon Chansiri, whose family control the company. “I have made the same promise to him as I do our supporters. He will not let me forget this until we are back in the Premier League.”
Inter coach Roberto Mancini would like to take Yaya Touré off Manchester City’s hands this summer. “Yaya is one of the strongest players in the world,”
blootered Mancini, failing to explain why anyone of that stature would want to rock up in the mid-table mediocrity that is the blue half of Milan.
And Spurs match-winner Christian Eriksen admits the team were relieved to get out of Bramall Lane with their Worthington’s Cup hopes intact after sneaking into a final against Chelsea. “This season when we have been in front we have given stupid goals away and it is something we need to stop doing,” he, er,
cheered?
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
STILL WANT MORE?
The Abou Diaby Dilemma sounds like a second-rate Bourne rip-off, but it didn’t stop Amy Lawrence pondering if Arsenal should offer him a new contract.
A Tale of Two Tourés sounds like a second-rate Dickens rip-off, but it didn’t stop Jonathan Wilson discussing Ivory Coast’s less-than-glorious chunter to the Africa Cup of Nations last eight.
Florentino Pérez’s Pavones doesn’t much sound like a second-rate J Lee Thompson war film rip-off, but it didn’t stop us including it in this hastily-nosediving Still Want More riff.
Staying Up Late sounds like a sec … sorry, third-rate BBC sitcom, but it’s merely the kicker to this study on where Premier League teams show up on Match of the Day.
Classic YouTube sounds like …
well, it just sounds good. And it features suspicion in Albania, a Belgian blast and a big-boned gentleman getting down with a bear. What’s not to like?
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