RACE TO THE BOTTOM
Life on the fringes. It doesn’t have to be all bad. If you finish fourth in the Premier League you still get a shot at Big Cup. Runner-up in the FA Cup and, as Hull and Wigan have found in the past couple of seasons, you still get to play in Europe. And finish 17th in the top division, you still get to play in, er, the top division. But 17th is better than 18th, 19th or 20th and the turmoil as you spin headlong into the Championship. Yes, it is not always exciting to finish 17th but, still, take what you can, when you can.
So, who is in the box seat that is 17th place and who is jostling to sit in it? Right now, the team in charge is Aston Villa. Thanks to one league win in a row under Tactics Tim, they are three points and one place ahead of QPR but talk of confidence gathering pace may be slightly premature. “I think it’ll be a photo finish and I hope we’re not in it,” honked Tim knowingly at assorted hacks, tipping his nose and pretending to star in some cut-price betting advert [Hey ‘Arry! – Fiver Ed]. “We’re probably just coming around the corner but it’s probably the longest run-in in racing history. All we’re looking at is the next fence. After that we hope we can stay in the running. There might be a few who fall along the way and we’re hoping that’s not us.”
Fresh from that barrage, Tiresome Tim could look ahead to Saturday’s trip to the Stadium of Light. Gus Poyet’s men are one place and one point above Villa and might just think 17th will do them. After all, their league form has been nearly as bad as Villa’s: their most recent win was at the end of January against Burnley. They even lost at home to QPR, in the middle of last month. Sunderland are in trouble. Which brings us to QPR. Les Ferdinand has been charged with misconduct, and an FFP judgement is in the offing, and that could be very, very nasty. And they have an away game, of which they have won only one this season, a short derby trip to Selhurst Park. Surely they can tell themselves it is a bit like home and use that as a boost?
And this is all before we even bring Burnley into consideration, loitering on the outside looking in, hoping to get a guest invite to safety like Australia in the flamin’ Eurovision Song Contest. They play Manchester City at Turf Moor on Saturday in the late kick-off, by which time, 17th will be in their grasp if Sunderland win and QPR don’t. The race for 17th is on. Do not avert your gaze.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You know the world is a big strange. Maybe because of diet and maybe the quality of the products we are eating, but memories are getting shorter. Because, you know, when Jamie Carragher and Graeme Souness speak about it, it’s because they are having a problem for sure. Jamie stopped playing a couple of years ago and, in two years, he has forgotten everything he did on the pitch. Mr Souness also, but he stopped playing a long time ago. I coached Benfica after he left there so I know a lot about him, so much about him. But I have had a certain kind of education, not just in football but in life, and I prefer to laugh. Envy is the biggest tribute that the shadows do to the man. It’s about life” –
José Mourinho responds to the Sky pundits’ criticism of Chelsea after their Big Cup exit.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Fiver spam. I was pleasantly surprised when opening the Fiver yesterday evening; it arrived at tea-time and the letters section was greatly improved from usual. Can this level of competence possibly be sustained, or is this merely the high-water mark that precedes an inevitable decline?” – Matt Kersley.
“A free online translation of your Chinese correspondence (yesterday’s spam) supplied the following text: ‘two days interactive training 15 classic case if the staff likened team, middle managers equivalent setter, a good setter, dead ball variable survived ball; setter not in place, the strike also To become Xiuqiu.’ Are you sure this isn’t a ham-fisted Fiver attempt to advertise one of those Big Paper Masterclasses?” – Rich Parry.
“Email spam is no laughing matter. I once clicked on a link promising me daily sports-related bon mots that would make me sound more interesting around the office. Instead my inbox was filled with run-on sentences about someone’s $exually-repressed uncle and pictures of John Terry. I had to change email addresses to escape it” – Marcus Ladd.
“Nice to see a propositional missive from Jaap Stefano (yesterday’s spam). Not to over romanticise the heady days of the early millennium internet, but at least having
noms de plume such as Aloysius Macbeth, Geraldo Pointdexter and Cleopatra Kissigawa clogging up my junk mail inbox did lend a certain degree of sophistication to my Hotmail account.
reasonable_pharmacy14@...’s offer of high-grade medications this morning just doesn’t have the same cachet” – Nic Finucane.
“RIP Sir Terry Pratchett (yesterday’s last line). A typically superb observation from his novel Unseen Academicals which is ostensibly about a football team: ‘Pick the teams alternately so one of you ends up with the weird kid and the other with the fat kid. Some of the fastest mathematics of all time has been achieved by team captains trying not to end up with the weird kid’” – Roger Mart.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love,
sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
If you happen to be driving through Hull today and are wondering why there is bunting outside the houses, the people are spraying each other with champagne and the policemen are dancing in the streets,
it’s because Steve Bruce has signed a new three-year deal with the local football team.
If you happen to be driving through east London and are wondering why the people have tears streaming from their faces and are hugging each other for comfort, it’s because
James Tomkins has suffered shoulder-gah and will be out for an unspecified period of time.
Fans of German side Erzgebirge Aue thought it would be a right lark to fly some banners comparing RB Leipzig to Nazis. The relevant authorities, quite rightly, did not agree
and sent the club a bill for €35,000.
$tevie Mbe will be available for parties and barmitzvahs, as well as Hollywood passes against Swansea this weekend, after finally getting over his seven-week dose of hamstring-twang.
Harry Kane has become only the fourth player in Premier League history to pick up the player of the month gong, two times in a row. If you can name the other three, you are sadder than a fisherman’s wife.
And a Spanish judge has decided that Barcelona president Josep Bartomeu and his predecessor Sandro Rosell, as well as the club,
are to stand trial over alleged tax fraud in the signing of Neymar. With his patchy record for the club, some might say it should be Neymar in the dock! Honk with me now!
STILL WANT MORE?
Fancy dressing up in black, putting on a bit of extra weight and gesticulating wildly as you pretend to know the rules of the game? Well here’s your chance:
You are the Ref.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving?
Click here to sign up.
댓글 없음:
댓글 쓰기