BECAUSE HE’S NOT REALLY WORTH IT
Finally! Finally, football fans everywhere have a bureaucrat we can believe in, someone unclouded by corruption, someone preoccupied with the best interests of the game rather than hideous and debasing self-enrichment, someone with genius in his feet and product in his hair, someone who can make us feel weak at the knees rather than sick in our stomach, someone not afraid to stand up with conviction in his soul and steel in his eye and say the kind of things that nobody in Nyon has had the guts to say for generations, such as: “You know what? I’m going to buy my own sodding watches!”
And that someone is David Ginola, who has thrown his tasteful designer hat into a ring previously only occupied with any degree of certainty by sad old Uncle Sepp,
by launching a bid to become the next president of Fifa. This, obviously, is a cause for widespread celebration. And if we can only ignore the fact that the whole thing’s just a publicity stunt for a bookmaker and Fifa’s regulations will prevent him from running anyway, we can at long last start to dream of a less murky future for the game we all love. And The Fiver, for one, is perfectly capable of doing just that with a bit of effort.
“I’m standing because I love football,” the manicured Frenchman sweet-nothinged. “We all know that Fifa’s system isn’t working. The game needs to change. By joining Team Ginola you’re saying yes to a Fifa built on democracy, transparency and equality. You’re saying yes to a Fifa that cares about one thing: football.” And you’re also saying yes to giving Ginola some money: he wants £2.3m to bankroll his campaign. “We’re asking you to donate as much as you can,” he whispered seductively. “And we’ll hit our target in no time because together, we can do this.” Already, hours after launching his bid and at the time of writing, he has raised £252,251, although to be fair £250,000 of that was donated by an Irish bookmaker to cover the Frenchman’s fees, leaving £2,251 – or approximately 13.73% of Brazil’s budget for a single Fifa grandee’s freebie timepiece – has come from supporters of democracy and justice and flair and romance.
But the fundraising is the easy part. In addition to £2.3m, Ginola needs the public support of at least five national associations. This won’t be easy, for although there are 208 associations affiliated to Fifa – meaning that Ginola needs a meagre 2.4% success rate – many of them are led by people who have, to use a phrase that has a vague chance of making it past our lawyers, come to feel a certain sense of loyalty towards Uncle Sepp. And others may not believe that a man who is probably standing at least partly because he has spent so much of the last five years sitting on sun loungers that his arse is a little bit sore is necessarily the most dedicated servant the game could have, however charismatic and charming and luxuriantly coiffed he may be. But the public support of at least five national associations is also the easy part. Because Ginola must also prove that he has spent at least two of the last five years working in and for football, and in that time our hero has largely been making wine in Provence and sitting on sun loungers. Ginola says that, since 2010, he has done some consultancy work with French third division club Étoile Fréjus Saint-Raphaël, but there remains some uncertainty about precisely to what extent that coupes la moutarde.
Ginola appeared at a press conference this morning, where he sported the kind of grin commonly seen on those who have recently signed unusually lucrative and logically inexplicable sponsorship deals and announced that he was “here today to talk about love”. He went on to prove only marginally more convincing at explaining his sudden desire to run for office than he once was at tracking back and tackling. “I believe that I have the credentials and capability to be a strong candidate, a candidate of football fans and lovers of the game from the four corners of the world,” he oozed. “The people who follow football should have a voice and a cause. My voice is theirs. My cause is theirs.” In many ways it is hard to tell whether Ginola is motivated by truth, love and the purity of sport or by the prospect of receiving an outsized cheque with his name on it. So it might just be that he’d fit in at Fifa rather well.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t feel my job hinges on the result at Derby. I don’t think it does, no … One minute you can be a fantastic manager in people’s eyes, the next you can be written off” – deluded Nottingham Forest boss Stuart Pearce
gives himself a vote of confidence before tomorrow’s Derby derby, while also mistaking himself for a fantastic manager at some point in his career.
FIVER LETTERS
“Just imagine Chad-Fat-Camp Fiver and co’s disappointment when they turn up in Fort Lauderdale to watch Ballon d’Or winner and world’s fittest soccerballer, Him, and find that it’s actually The Ronaldo in the No9 shirt (yesterday’s Fiver). Talk about a false nine. Still, it won’t be the first time that Ronaldo has thrown a party where the punter gets a surprise when the action kicks off” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Those predicting ‘Arry Redknapp’s dismissal from QPR if they lose at the weekend have clearly neglected to consider the influence that Jim White has on Premier League proceedings. There’s no way that he and his paymasters at Sky Sports would allow something to prevent the nation’s favourite biannual double act reprising their shtick one more time come the end of the month. Of course, on 3 February all bets are off, but until then it’d take more than a couple of poor results and the window of ‘Arry’s Range Rover to stop us from enjoying a bit of excitable ‘banter’ and misdirection from deadline day’s real star attractions” – David Wall.
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BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United penny-counter Louis van Gaal has told Radamel Falcao to prove his worth: £190,000-a-week, £6m loan fee, that kind of thing. “If a player costs £95m or £5,000 it’s not any difference for me,” howled Van Gaal,
doing himself out of next season’s budget.
The curse of the West Ham shirt sponsor strikes again: Alpari UK have entered insolvency after some currency crisis or other,
it says here. “The recent move on the Swiss franc caused by the Swiss National Bank’s unexpected policy reversal of capping the Swiss franc against the euro …” zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzed Alpari.
Trading Places 2: Sunderland or Bust. Starring Jermain Defoe and Jozy Altidore. “Jozy is a special player, and checks off all of the boxes that we look for in a player,” honked Toronto FC suit Tim Bezbatchenko.
‘Oh, Mr Poyet. I wasn’t expecting company. Just doing my workout …’Photograph: Ian Horrocks/Sunderland AFC via Getty Images
Manchester United wrong to sack me, says former scout axed for racial slurs.
Erm, OK.
And Greek club OFI Crete are in hot water after being deducted six points for failing to honour the contract of former player Aleksander Pesic.
STILL WANT MORE?
You are the Ref. You are the Ref. You are the Ref. You are the Ref.
Yes, you!
You want 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend? You can’t handle 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
But if you’re feeling brave …
Luis Suárez has found his range to enhance the Barcelona trident’s cutting edge,
reports Sid Lowe.
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