Now That’s What I Call Whale Songs 47
- Jacob Steinberg
- theguardian.com, Friday 30 January 2015 10.45 EST
INTO THE WOODS: THE PREQUEL
Are you feeling calm? Of course not, you’re reading The Fiver. No one’s calm when they’re reading The Fiver. But try to stay calm. Imagine you’re in a forest. You’re in a forest. And The Fiver’s there too. You’re in a forest with The Fiver. And The Fiver is singing that song that gets on everybody’s nerves and trying to get you to play a game of I Spy. But you don’t want to play a game of I Spy. You just want to be at peace, take in the nature, feel the cool breeze on your skin. But you can’t. Because you’ve just spotted that The Fiver is about to eat some of those purple berries and they look poisonous. Oh look, The Fiver’s eaten the berries. Now it’s wheezing and crying out in pain and rolling around on the floor, clutching its pot belly, and you’re the only other person around. Your forest stroll has taken an ugly turn. But do try to stay calm. Stay calm.
You must stay calm. Look at Diego Costa. He couldn’t stop raging at the world and now he’s facing a spell on the sidelines after League of Their Own star Jamie Redknapp examined the video of his little stroll across Emre Can’s leg and hit the Chelsea rapscallion with a three-game ban. He got away with it at the time because elite referee Michael Oliver was imagining what it would be like to wear a blindfold and fourth official Phil Dowd was thinking about sausages, but it’s a high price to pray – Costa’s out of Chelsea’s crunch clash with Manchester City at Stamford Bridge tomorrow.
And despite being the manager of City, Manuel Pellegrini is worried about Costa’s temper tantrums from a human perspective. Speaking at his press conference, he put on one of his mood-relaxing CDs and urged Costa to relax. Stay calm. Chill out. Relax. “He is a great player, a very important player,’’Pellegrini parped. “He has his character, it is not an easy character but I hope for him that this punishment will be a good thing for him to change in the future. He doesn’t need to do it in that way because he is a very good player, a top player.” And with that, Pellegrini was off to choose whether he should use Now That’s What I Call Whale Songs 47 or That’s The Sound Of The Ocean for his team-talk tomorrow.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My wife fears for her life when visiting your ground due to vulgar and threatening behavior [sic] we are subjected to” – Port Vale chairman Norman Smurthwaite responds to a Crewe fan’s open letter to him in the local paper.
FIVER LETTERS
“I read Jaime Abrahamse’s tale about his airport encounter with the Qatar delegation (yesterday’s Fiver letters). I was at Chicago’s O’Hare airport back in 2005 when I was still a smoker. I headed off to the designated smoking room and found myself pretty much alone, apart from one other person. I lit up and turned to see who I was sharing the room with. Dressed in black T-shirt, long black coat, black leggings, black ballet pumps, topped with a black beret and using a cigarette holder, was American film hardman Michael Ironside. ‘Hello,’ I offered. He pointed slowly and deliberately out of the door to the corridor beyond and said: ‘That. Is the The Undertaker.’ I followed his pointing finger and there, indeed, was American wrestler The Undertaker walking briskly past. Michael finished his cigarette, tipped his beret at me and left. I think I managed ‘Uh huh.’ That was a pretty weird day. I no longer smoke and I don’t think it is any coincidence I have never seen Michael Ironside or The Undertaker since” – Marten Allen.
“I wonder if Jaime still feels that it was worth winding up the Qatari FA to get the prizeless letter o’ the day (yesterday’s Fiver letters), after the flamin’ Melbourne Age reported on what the Gulf states’ FAs plan to do because Australians have been annoying them” – Steve Murray.
“In relation to Matt Le Tissier and his occasional pre-training Sausage & Egg McMuffins (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). On the basis he presumably was going to training before 10.30am, he may not have had the option of burgers as Lee Bowyer found to his evident displeasure at my then-local McDonald’s in the mid-90s” – Bryan Paisley.
“I was going to honk about how The Fiver apeing the home invasion works of Michael Haneke (yesterday’s Still Want More) misses one crucial thing. While Haneke’s film is Funny Games, The Fiver rarely gives up the laughs. But then I thought that when I reach the end of The Fiver each day, I have that same feeling of existential hopelessness and despair at the sheer animalistic destructiveness the human race displays that I get when I watch the works of Austria’s top chortle-merchant. So you do have plenty in common, after all” – Graeme Neill.
“The Fiver weeping when hearing about the BBC retaining the Premier League highlights rights (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs)? I shudder to think what you might do if ITV had gotten them” – Adrian Foster (and 1,056 others) [We were weeping hot salty tears at the prospect of more Robbie Savage, not Taxpayers’ TV – Fiver Ed].
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Steve Murray.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
“Like Dad’s Army but if Britain were invaded by Wesley Sneijder and Raphaël Varane.” Yes, it’s How the Transfer Window Really Works, from Anthony Richardson.
BITS AND BOBS
Scott Sinclair – who scientists claim once played football – has been out of the game for so long that even the prospect of turning up at Aston Villa has got him giddy in the head. “I’m happy to be here, to be in the building,” he blootered.
Burnley have hurled the rulebook, a flipping great A3 binded one to boot, at reports that Liverpool would sign Danny Ings and then pack him straight back to Turf Moor on loan. “This type of move would violate Premier League rule V7 regarding transfers so simply cannot happen,” blathered Clarets suit Len Hoo.
Arsène Wenger’s attempts to cut down Alexis Sánchez’s travelling for international duty have been boosted by the Emirates Stadium getting to host Chile v Brazil in March.
The Hammers have gone deep to complete the signing of Darren Fletcher from Manchester United. “Darren Fletcher is now in West Ham, I believe,” burped Louis van Gaal. “He prefers to play. Therefore we have helped him to go away.”
And now that he needs their help, Sepp Blatter is flamin’ well giving Australians the glad-eye. “Australia is the only continent never to have hosted the World Cup finals. That is basically an unfortunate omission in sporting history,” he cooed.
STILL WANT MORE?
Crystal Palace’s James McArthur sits down for a chinwag with Dominic Fifield…
… while Hull City’s David Meyler literally phones in his interview with Alan Smith.
Michael Cox offers a tactical guide to where Chelsea v Manchester City will be won and lost …
… while our correspondents around the world offer a global assessment of the stature of the fixture.
Paul Doyle picks out 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend (including a mention for Finnish funeral metal band Thergothon) …
… while our match previews do some heavy lifting with game-by-game Premier League breakdowns.
It’s not football, but it’s still well worth your time: The Joy of Six – Roger Federer.
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