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Your rheumy-eyed, jaundiced old pal
The Fiver doesn’t know if Jack Wilshere is addicted to smoking, but we do know just how difficult it is to quit those infernal coffin nails once they’ve strangled you in their death grip. Lord knows, we’ve tried our hardest to pack in the tabs over the years, but remain hopelessly hooked because we’re weak-willed and still think smoking looks cool. Admit it, you probably do too. In fact you’ve probably looked on enviously as your rheumy-eyed, jaundiced old pal The Fiver stands there in the cold, shivering in a pub doorway while sucking on the dog-end gripped between our yellow-stained fingers. Yes, looked on and thought: “I wish I was … that”.
Of course, unlike Jack, when The Fiver tries to quit smoking we can’t count on the support of the nation’s football journalists. A collective paragon of unbelievably healthy living, a select number of these people seem so concerned about young Jack’s health that they have made it their business to stage a form of media intervention in a bid to shame him into quitting. You’ve seen the pictures. You’ve read the sanctimonious articles. Your mind has boggled at the sensational headlines:
“Young Man Smokes Cigarette Outside Nightclub!”
“Young Man Has Drag of Somebody Else’s Cigarette On Holiday!”
“Young Man Pictured Holding Moroccan Restaurant Bong Thing!”
The Fiver wants to believe that it is with Jack’s blessing such stories appear, although we’re obviously not that naïve. What The Fiver doesn’t want to believe is that the poor lad can’t enjoy a smoke in his leisure time without lots of tell-tales who will never be as fit or athletic as he is feeling the need to scuttle off and alert his employers, although we’re not that naïve either. The Fiver likes cigarettes because we find they help us to mind our own business. Perhaps some of those castigating Jack for smoking could be persuaded to try one too.
One man who doesn’t seem too perturbed by Jack’s extra-curricular activities is Mr Roy. A very well read, widely travelled man with an interesting take on life and plenty of fascinating opinions on all sorts of different subjects, the England manager must have died a little inside upon meeting the press yesterday, only to be quizzed about his thoughts on a grown man who occasionally works for him being pictured holding a shisha pipe. If he was irritated, he hid it well, choosing instead to sensibly point out that holding – or even smoking – such an instrument is no big deal. When it was pointed out to him that some of them contain nicotine (much like cigarettes, tomatoes, potatoes, aubergines and green peppers), he maintained his position, pointing out that he had once tried a bang on a bong himself.
“As an ex-cigar smoker when I tried it I thought it was a complete nonsense, I couldn’t understand who would do it,” he announced, prompting those bellows of over-the-top laughter you only ever really hear at football press conferences. “Apart from a faint fruity taste in your mouth that was about the end of it. As far as I am concerned that is a club matter and Arsène Wenger dealt with it very, very well. If you are asking me, in an ideal world is that an ideal thing to happen? Of course it isn’t, but we don’t live in an ideal world.”
Too right we don’t, although we do live in a world where Mr Roy once had a faintly fruity taste in his mouth. Having clearly learned nothing from his smoke-shaming, today video footage emerged of Jack the Lad turning up at the house of a poorly child, to surprise the boy on his return home from school. A more responsible adult would have insisted the boy did his homework before firing up the PlayStation, but not feckless footballer Jack. First smoking and now encouraging child stupidity – are there no avenues this so-called “role model” will not explore in his ongoing bid to lead the youth of this country astray?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“James attended training on Thursday with us. After shaking hands on it, James contacted me raising doubts about the move. Therefore it is best James stays at Accrington where he’s not playing” – Southport boss Paul Carden offers a side order of snide after cancelling the loan of Stanley striker James Gray.
THE BIG INTERVIEW
“One of the Chelsea backroom staff, albeit sporting a mischievous smile at the time, recently described him as a ‘saint’. How would he describe himself? ‘Yes, I’ll go with that. Call me a saint’” – Diego Costa tells Dominic Fifield that when he’s not suffering passion-overloads, he’s a charidee-loving good guy really.
 REFUSING TO BUCKLE
12 February: “I don’t fear for my future as I am doing everything I can to turn things around, now I have to get everyone else pulling together as I do that. I believe in what I do and I certainly believe that we are capable of improving” – Cheltenham Town boss Paul Buckle vows to dig the League One strugglers out of trouble.
13 February: “Paul has departed from Cheltenham Town by mutual consent and with immediate effect”– oh.
STILL NOT THE LAST OF YOUR MUNDANE ENCOUNTERS WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE
“When I was at school, I worked in a sports equipment retailer, made famous by Mike Ashley, in Reading. One weekday evening shift, then-Reading captain and Northern Ireland international, Barry Hunter, paid a visit – probably to buy a cheap golf umbrella or something similar – much to the delight of some local shoppers. One excited woman immediately bought a £3 football from the big bins located at the front of the store and got it signed by Mr Hunter. She then showed the ball to a member of staff – who happened to be the store manager – and asked, excitedly: ‘How much will you buy this ball back off me now?’ Our manager took one look at the ball and simply said: ‘I’ll give you £3 store credit for shop-soiled goods.’ She wasn’t overly impressed. On reading back, it’s not the presence of Barry Hunter that makes this story interesting but probably does add to the mundanity of it. I never did check eBay for said item” – Alan Dooney.
“I bumped into Louis van Gaal outside Wembley before we thrashed Holland 4-1 during Euro 96. Due to my slight overindulgence in lager at the Middlesex Arms beforehand, I decided he was Holland’s then-current manager. ‘I hope you lose mate,’ was my erudite comment. ‘I hope for you also,’ was his mysterious reply. Pick the bones out of that one” – Neil Doherty.
“In 2003 I was working behind the counter in an Edinburgh shoe shop when who should approach my till but Heart of Midlothian (and latterly Leicester City and Dundee United) forward Mark De Vries. I remember, distinctly, that he was buying a pair of all-white Nike Air Force 1s and a pair of tan nu buck Timberland boots, size 11. Throughout our transaction the lanky Dutchman conducted himself like a perfect gent, even when I embarrassingly had to tell him his credit card had been declined. ‘That’s OK (clocking my name tag), Joe. It’s a new card and I was half expecting that. I’ll pop back in later.’ He never returned and I thought that meant the end of our burgeoning friendship. Then, a couple of weeks later, I’m wandering along George Street, and who should I see but my old mate Mark. Not wanting to embarrass him, I decided it would be in bad taste to stop for a chat. Just as I was about to pass him, I heard him say ‘Joe!’ I gave him a smile and a nod, which he returned with a wink and smile of his own. Not heard from him since but there’s not a day that goes past that I don’t think of him, and I’m sure he would say the same of me” – Joe West.
“I used to work for a large insurance company in Liverpool city centre and, every Christmas, a supplier would take us out for a very boozy Christmas lunch which continued on into the evening. By about 9pm, only three of us remained out drinking and as we staggered out of a pub, a large silver Lexus swept around the corner towards us and stopped to drop somebody off. ‘Oh look,’ said my mate, ‘it’s John Barnes’. In my drunken stupor my mind went into overtime … John Barnes, he lives near me, he could give me a lift home. My two mates looked on in horror as I approached the driver’s side window and gave it a confident rap, the window slid down gracefully to reveal the visage of one John Barnes. ‘Alright Barnesy lad,’ I blurted in my best scouse accent. ‘You live near me, mate, you could give me a lift home.’ After ascertaining exactly where I lived, John did indeed invite me to jump into the passenger seat, which I did and as I looked back out of the rear windscreen, the stunned faces of my two mates with their mouths agape will live in the memory for a long time. Barnesy then gave me a lift from Liverpool all the way through the Mersey Tunnel to Heswall on the Wirral, listening to my drunken rant about Fowler and McManaman being traitors to the Everton cause, and even shook my hand and asked me my name as he dropped me off. A true gentleman and a scholar” – Harry Markham.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Mr Roy’s disappointment at the taste of his shisha pipe. Like Mr Roy, I also can’t see the point in smoking shisha, but my feelings also extend to watching England play as this only leaves a strong taste of disappointment and regret in my mouth” – Will Bayly.
“Kindly inform Andy Myall (yesterday’s Fiver letters) that in ornithological circles there is no such bird as a seagull. Gulls, yes, lots of ‘em, not one of which has an open body of salty water attached to its official identifier” – Maurice Mandale.
“They say nothing is more tedious than other people’s dreams, so The Fiver seemed to be the perfect place to share mine. Last night I dreamt that I’d been asked to select the Norn Iron national side. Banjaxed by the poverty of options open to me, my cunning plan was to select players from other countries whose names ended in ‘o’, move the ‘o’ to the start and claim they were Irish (any readers who want to take up with my dreaming self, either on the quality of Norn Iron players or the knobbly-stick stereotype, please do so in dream form). I’d got as far as O’Ronaldinh, O’Zic and O’Del Pier when I woke up. Anyone want to help finish the XI? I suppose I’ll chuck in Pierre-Patrick O’Bameyang too” – Jon Gerrard.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Alan Dooney.
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BITS AND BOBS
The Andy Carroll-shaped indent on the West Ham treatment table is set to get a few inches deeper after the striker was ruled out for the season with knee ligament-knack.
Paul Scholes can expect a dossier of Manchester United stats through his letterbox after suggesting Louis van Gaal’s football is dour. “At times, United’s football is miserable. To beat opposing teams you have to attack, and to attack you have to take risks,” blabbed the once-quiet-but-now-he-never-
Real Madrid coach Carlo Ancelotti has dismissed criticism of the squad over His birthday party thrown hours after last weekend’s drubbing at Atlético. “I have never given an opinion on players’ private lives and I am not going to start today,” he parped.
New Arsenal defender Gabriel Paulista could make his debut against Middlesbrough in the FA Cup. “He’s very close. He likes to defend,” honked Arsène Wenger.
Manchester City’s Samir Nasri reckons Chelsea are going to do a $tevie Mbe and slip up in the title race. “I don’t think they [Chelsea] are that fantastic – they are just strong and have a good striker up front. For me they are not special,”deadpanned Nasri, whose side are seven points less special than Chelsea.
Pope’s Newcastle O’Rangers goalkeeper Steve Simonsen has been banned for two games, with one of them suspended, after being found guilty of betting on no fewer than 55 matches.
And the Poundland Curbs, Tim Sherwood, remains front-runner for the Aston Villa job.
STILL WANT MORE?
Succession management and future-planning in football, writes time-travelling’s Jacob Steinberg.
There are just the eight things to look out for in the FA Cup last-16 matches this weekend. Roll on the final, cheer Barry Glendenning and John Ashdown.
The death of at least 19 Zamalek fans in a riot has stirred political conspiracies in Egypt, reports Patrick Kingsley.
You are the Ref No320, featuring Juan Cuadrado, an angry sub and merry players (hic!).
When he’s not rugby-tackling wingers Mamadou Sakho is decorating houses in Bootle. Look, here he is, brush in hand.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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2015년 2월 13일 금요일
The Fiver
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