Busy with the mannequins

Ian McCourt
theguardian.com, Tuesday 27 January 2015 10.07 EST

‘This bout is scheduled for one fall …’ Photograph: Andrew Powell/Liverpool FC via Getty Images

BRIDGE OF SIGHS

So here we are again, again. Chelsea versus Liverpool in the semi-final of a cup. For some time now, this has been a nightmare from which The Fiver has been trying to wake. And, like everything else The Fiver tries, it is failing worse than a bodybuilder trying to count how many days there are in the week. Or worse than the best man who stumbled bringing up the rings and knocked the priest and the bride into the water feature behind them. Or worse than Harrison Ford at the Oscars. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail. Tonight’s fixture will be no different.

Not that The Fiver did not try. Once it had gotten out of bed at 12.51pm … OK, OK, 2.51pm … brushed its teeth with chocolate milk and mouth-washed with soda, it picked up the phone and put in the calls seeing who was up for pool and hot dogs at the Emporium. First up was Weird Uncle Fiver, but he was busy with the mannequins. Next was Hipster Fiver, but he was cycling his velocipede to an abandoned warehouse in Clapton, where he and his mates were going to watch compilations of Judy Funnie’s best bits and then paint their favourite scenes on eggs before hanging them – ironically, of course – from the walls of Brick Lane. Last up was $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, but he was doing something $exually repressed with Morris dancing and the Fiver gave that up weeks ago. Sigh.

So to the match then, 1-1 after last week’s first leg. José Mourinho is approaching it all with his usual, serene, calm, mild-mannered approach. “It’s a knockout game, a second leg of a semi-final, live or die,” he said before pr1cking his finger and writing his team out in blood. With his mouth buttoned down and index digit wrapped up, he continued: “Maybe the fact we play against a good team will push us on to a different level of concentration and motivation that, against Bradford, we couldn’t reach.”

Brendan Rodgers is usually the type of boss who is a chilled out entertainer that likes having a laugh, but that Bradford defeat has him worried. “Chelsea’s result at the weekend does not help us,” he philosophised, looking at the camera just a little too long for it to be comfortable. “They will have great motivation and after a game like that you want to put it right, but it will be on their mind. Having been 2-0 up and lost, they will know they can still lose Tuesday’s game whatever the score is.” (Of course, if Chelsea are 1,251-0 up, they’ll know that there is absolutely no way they can lose the game, Brendan did not add.)

So here we are again. Another Tuesday night. Another lonely Tuesday night. Another lonely Tuesday night watching Chelsea versus Liverpool. One day The Fiver will awake from this nightmare, Harry’s talents with those statuettes will be recognised, the best man will be forgiven and they’ll realise the answer is six. Or is it seven? Oh no. The Fiver is failing again.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Ian McCourt at 6pm GMT for Senegal 1-1 Algeria and South Africa 1-1 Ghana, and then keep Barry Glendenning company for Chelsea 2-1 Liverpool (agg: 3-2) at 7.45pm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“When you wake up and you’re lying next to murderers and rapists without a toothbrush and without toilet paper, it makes you re-evaluate the life you had before. I soon realised that football wasn’t everything” – death-cheating, penguin-pilfering, globe-trotting goalkeeper Lutz Pfannenstiel, talking to Greg Lea.

FIVER LETTERS

“We Americans were shocked to hear of the BBC failing to air the big FA Cup matches at the weekend (yesterday’s Fiver). How does a private company survive, making such poor decisions? Oh” – Christopher Smith.

“My phone’s email inbox described The Fiver thusly yesterday afternoon: ‘This message has no content.’ Has my inbox managed to improve its artificial intelligence to sniff out weak jokes, poor puns and a lack of Proper Journalism or has The Fiver now graduated with a first-class degree from the University of Blankshire and just thrown in the towel?” – Chris McHugh [we should all be so lucky – Fiver Ed].

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.

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BITS AND BOBS

Gary Lineker could be joining the big guns – AC Jimbo, the Saucy Seafarer, Honigstein, Glendenning – on BT Sport next season, with the BBC presenter in talks about presenting the channel’s Big Cup coverage.

In it’s-definitely-going-to-end-well-yes-sirree-no-problems-here news, Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct have handed the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers an emergency loan of £10m.

In hot news that could have been copy-and-pasted from this time last year,Manchester United have rejected’s PSG’s approach to sign Adnan Januzaj on loan.

The Culturalstereotyperoos will face South Korea in the final of the Asian Cup after a flamin’ 2-0 win over the UAE. “The general feeling I’m getting from supporters is that they are loving watching this team,” whooped coach Ange Postecoglou.

Gift from the gods, Samuel Eto’o, has completed his protracted move to Sampdoria. “He passed on some of his terrific experience to all of the young players,” cheered Roberto Martínez.

FC United will celebrate their 10th anniversary with a friendly against Benfica in May.

Goodbye Roll Up Man. So long Purple D1ldo Guy. Arrivederci That Bloke Who Kept Doing Strange Things With His Eyebrows. Because Sky Sports will be keeping their reporters out of the reach of fans on transfer deadline day at the end of the month. Spoilsports.

And QPR have told Derby County where to go after they indulged in a spot of vulture-circling over Junior Hoilett and Matt Phillips.