THE SHISHA HITS THE FAN
Young, handsome, rich and so crazy a party animal it’s a matter of public record that he has gone out enjoying himself with friends at least twice – twice! – since July, Jack Wilshere has this week prompted howls of outrage after being photographed
holding the hose of a shisha pipe in the company of some women. This being the third time that he has been caught in a compromising position with various smoke-inhalation devices, one could be forgiven for thinking lessons might have been learned. Alas, no. Despite being roundly mocked and ridiculed for sanctimoniously badgering the Arsenal midfielder for whatever completely legal activities he gets up to in his spare time, various members of the hack-pack have once again been reduced to pandering to the kind of self-righteous and indignant idiots whose idea of a good time is complaining about other people eating chicken wings in the company of a nice lady.
Indeed, such are the levels of sanctimonious hysteria generated by various members of the hack-pack whenever young Master Wilshere is spotted enjoying himself, that a tea-timely email could be forgiven for thinking that perhaps those members of the Fun Police criticising him aren’t so much concerned for his wellbeing as jealous of it. The high moral ground can be a lonely place, even if it does afford you a decent view of others enjoying life in the absence of one of your own. We can only imagine how appalled must these people be that the injured Arsenal midfielder has brazenly defied criticism of his controversial decision to take a summer holiday seven months ago by shamelessly going out to eat food. In public! Like a normal person! And, to add insult to injury, he did so while wearing a hat and was subsequently snapped holding what may have been the hose of a shisha pipe, but could conceivably have been a south-east Asian red-tailed pipe snake. Oh Jack, will you never learn?
In other photography news, Roberto Martínez has laughed off questions about the lack of joie de vivre demonstrated by Aaron Lennon as he posed at his Everton unveiling with all the happiness and enthusiasm of Hugh Grant in a police mugshot. “I will blame the photographer,”
laughed Bobby M at a press conference, prompting some reporters who may or may not have been present to po-facedly report his comments as if they’d been made seriously. It’s a serious business this football lark, not least with so many people determined to suck all the fun out of it like smoke from an ornate bong.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s not easy to get a good cup of tea over here. My assistant, Billy McKinlay, has brought a kettle over so we can have a cup of tea after training. I’m not sure all my players know what it is, as most Spanish households don’t have kettles. Billy and I talk about Walkers shortbread and I was sent some Irn-Bru, which I appreciated” – in a chat with FourFourTwo, David Moyes bemoans the standard of hot drinks in Spain, offers some hot takes on tourism, and
reveals that he banned chips at Manchester United, “because a couple of players were overweight and I didn’t think chips were good for their diet”.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
A BUMPER EDITION OF MORE OF YOUR MUNDANE ENCOUNTERS WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE …
“My wife and I were in Columbus, Ohio, a couple of years ago and ended up staying at the same hotel as Newcastle, who were playing a pre-season friendly. We got into an elevator with Peter Lovenkrands and Steven Taylor and, as Lovenkrands exited a lower floor, he did the classic ‘push all the elevator buttons’ and ran off down the corridor, literally laughing like a schoolboy and leaving an embarrassed and apologetic Taylor to make awkward conversation as the elevator pinged open on every floor” – Ben Graham.
“I once stood next to someone I thought I recognised while using the gents in a pub in Oxford. I said: ‘Are you Martin Keown?’ He said: ‘Yes I am.’ I said: ‘Nice one.’ In a different pub in Oxford, I saw Garry Parker, once of Aston Villa. He was wearing a leather waistcoat with nothing underneath” – Michel Judet.
“Glenn Hoddle once came to my checkout at Waitrose in Twyford, Berkshire. He was very tanned and bought Leona Lewis’ debut album, among other things. After he paid, I told him ‘it was an honour to meet you’,
whereupon he pulled this face. I saw him a couple more times before I left Waitrose, but he never came back to my checkout” – Nicholas Mandalos.
“Back in the Bryan Robson heyday, Middlesbrough made the somewhat foolish decision to sign Christian Karembeu, given his penchant for being on the pitch and not giving a flying one. Shortly after he joined, I spotted him and his wife at a Tesco in Eaglescliffe, and proceeded to follow them to the checkout. The woman serving him clearly had no idea who either of them were, and didn’t appreciate their slight lack of English as she attempted to explain the idea of a Tesco Clubcard in a broad Teesside accent. The look of befuddlement on his face was how I imagine he looked when Robson attempted to deliver a team-talk, or indeed when he realised he’d left Real Madrid to play alongside Mark Summerbell, Dean Wind@ss and Phil Stamp” – Mike Haslam.
“I saw several of the Republic O’Ireland squad in Dublin’s Copper Face Jacks trendy nightspot, the day after they came back from Euro 2012 (three games played, three resounding defeats). I asked Richard Dunne about
what happened to that famous shirt from Russia – the one he had to have his number scrawled on after he bled all over it and no one thought to bring a spare – (he gave it to charity, or course, the gent). It also being a midweek, there was a €3 special on certain pints. Thus, I nobly offered to buy a forlorn Keith Andrews a beer, as long as it was a Budweiser or a Tuborg. He declined” – Daniel Doody.
“Having breakfast at a hotel in Euro Disney, my brother-in-law spotted someone he thought was a footballer but none of us could quite place. I’d have been happy to leave it at that, but my brother-in-law insisted on finding out, so he went up to him and asked him what his name was. Turns out it was Luís Boa Morte. Later I spent some considerable time queuing with my niece to meet Mickey Mouse, with Luís and his family just behind us. It was quite awkward” – Susie Geddes.
“In the mid-1990s, a well-connected friend of my sister got us into a party at Sean ‘Puffy/Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Etc’ Holmes’ apartment in New York City. On entering, the friend informed me that he had told Mr Holmes I was a famous soccerball player from England (I think because Puffy frowns on hanging with too many nobodies). No one saw through my claim to have scored 30 goals for England the previous year” – Jonathan Lea-Howarth.
“I saw AC Jimbo in Rio de Janeiro’s Galeão airport in July 2013. While significantly outnumbered and outmuscled by his family’s luggage, he went on to lose several battles with the unruly trolleys. Despite this, he looked happy” – Mike Hughson.
“Starbucks in Wilmslow. Bloke with huge hands at the counter. It’s Brad Friedel getting a takeaway of three big cappuccinos. Will he use one of those cardboard carriers? No need, as he has giant hands with which to grasp his cups. Will he hilariously drop the lot as he goes out of the shop? Alas, no” – Dan Levy.
“In our youth, my brother and I decided one night to pour red food dye on a white rabbit belonging to our neighbour, who would later become ex-Bolton and Scotland footballer John McGinlay. In the morning Mr McGinlay came out to feed it and started screaming. His neighbour offered sympathy by suggesting it was a shame as the rabbit was quite young to die. ‘No,’ replied Mr McGinlay. ‘It’s not dead, it’s dyed.’ Sorry John” – [Name withheld – Fiver Lawyers].
“OK, this is nothing to do with football, but Chris Steele did raise the subject of Miss World (yesterday’s Mundane Encounters With Famous People). A few years ago I managed to get myself on the judging panel of Miss World Kenya, here in Nairobi. Don’t ask me how, but I did have to call in some favours. Our local beauty didn’t win but I was invited to a reception at the British High Commissioner’s Residence. It was in honour of the winners, Miss USA! USA!! USA!!!, Miss Venezuela and one other, whose nationality eludes me. Can you see the obvious connection with the British High Commission? No, nor can I. Anyway, a smattering of the great and good were there, including the three winners and a number of the Miss World Kenya winners, past and present and, of course,
Julia Morley. We had drinks on the terrace and, after a while, we were invited to take our seats inside. We were advised that it was free seating, but there would be one beauty with an allocated seat on each table. Without needing to be asked twice, I went in, found an empty table and positioned myself in a seat next to where our resident beauty would sit. So far so good. I have to say at this stage that my intentions were entirely honourable but you can judge for yourselves. All of the tables filled up and then the various Miss World Kenyas filed in. Our lady was the last of all and it was quite obvious why. Her movement was restricted on account of her being eight and a half months pregnant. We had an interesting conversation during dinner, but clearly my honourable intentions stayed that way” – Robert Darby.
… AND THE REST OF THE FIVER LETTERS
“How about scrapping everything else and just having Mundane Encounters With Famous People? At long last The Fiver is finally worth reading” – Olcan Shaw.
“Re: ‘Arry Redknapp’s knees and vehicle clutches (yesterday’s Fiver letters). He wouldn’t need to find the biting point anyway, as his career is all downhill from here” – Graeme Harley.
“Being a bit behind with my Fiver reading, I’ve just read
the January 16 editionand was impressed with this prediction from David Wall in the letters section: ‘Those predicting ‘Arry Redknapp’s dismissal from QPR if they lose at the weekend have clearly neglected to consider the influence that Jim White has on Premier League proceedings. There’s no way that he and his paymasters at Sky Sports would allow something to prevent the nation’s favourite biannual double act reprising their shtick one more time come the end of the month. Of course, on 3 February all bets are off.’ He didn’t even win letter of the day in a two-horse race. Surely he deserves to be declared retrospective prizeless letter of the day?” – Mark Wilson.
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BITS AND BOBS
Borussia Dortmund players
apologised face-to-face with fans after their 1-0 loss at home to 10-man Augsburg left them rooted to the bottom of the Bundesliga. “What should the people do?” pondered former next Arsenal manager Jürgen Klopp. “The fans are disappointed and angry. Some of them fear for the future of the club. This is fully understandable.”
Saido Berahino’s hawking of himself in an interview with Sky has gone down as well as you’d expect with his employers, West Brom,
who claim the chat was unauthorised and now plan to buy him a second-class plane ticket to summer holiday destination Do One.
Mes que un club dept:
Barcelona could rename the Camp Nou under a new sponsorship deal with Qatar Airways. “Everything is a possibility for our company, we’re open to surprises and one of these could be connected to the name of Camp Nou,” blathered airline suit Akbar al-Baker. “Qatar Airways and Barcelona have the same values.”
Having been loaned five players from Newcastle, The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers boss Kenny McDowall has been ordered to play them by club suits. “I will carry on and do what I am told to do,”
pandered McDowall. “I would like to think, I have substitutes, that I can make a change. That’s where we are at.”
And Glenn Hoddle claims he left his post as a coach at QPR out of loyalty to ‘Arry Redknapp. “I thought the right thing to do was leave,”
he blustered.
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