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Mugging for the camera like a kid at an older sister’s birthday party
 TOOTING HIS OWN HORN WITH CHAMPAGNE AND SELF-CONGRATULATION DRIPPING FROM HIS FACE
The time after team wins a cup is usually reserved for the players to celebrate. A time for them to dance around, possibly wearing a novelty jester hat in team colours, possibly the lid of the pot they’ve just won atop their bonces. They will do a jig, socks around ankles, wave to those family members that have successfully pestered them for free tickets and generally soak up the glory of achievement. The manager will traditionally be a peripheral figure, hiding at the back of the group, eventually reluctantly and bashfully pushed in front of some photographers to hold the cup aloft. These days, they also might be thrown up in the air by their players in a weird cross between a university initiation ceremony and the birthday bumps. The key is that it should all be low-key. Quiet. Dignified. Traditionally, it not about them.
Which brings us to José Mourinho, who after Chelsea lifted the Milk Cup by default after Tottenham Hotspur very literally failed to turn up at Wembley, their place taken by eleven floating items of laundry, gave tradition one in the eye by looning it up in front of his players, mugging for the camera like a kid at an older sister’s birthday party, upset and bemused as to why someone else was getting all the attention. And, like most of his ostentatious distraction techniques, it worked, with pictures adorning basically every newspaper back page of his most egotistical majesty lying, legs akimbo, in front of his players as they jigged in celebration, like some sort of Jacob’s Creek-addled HR manager who’d overdone it on a work night out.
Still, Mourinho will no doubt tell you he deserves the limelight, and since Manchester City’s own Spurs-esque disappearing act at Liverpool basically donated the title to Chelsea, meaning they are quite possibly the only team in recent history to win two major trophies in one day. City seem to be defending their title like Baldrick and George advancing very slowly across no-man’s land, waving a stick in response to German machine-gun fire. It’s been about as effective as putting sugar paper over the windows of a house when the hurricane warnings come in.
Still, José isn’t letting that harsh his buzz at all. “My career had gone in a different direction, with two seasons without a trophy, and it looked like I was 20 years without a trophy, even to myself,” he own-horn-tooted, champagne and self-congratulation still dripping from his face. “But to have that feeling that two years is a long time, that’s a good problem. For me it’s important to feel I’m still a kid, even at 52 years of age.”
Ah. There we go. There’s the reason for José bouncing around like he’s eaten five bags of Haribo, waving his arms in the air shouting “ME! ME! ME! IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! ME! ME!” He’s really a six-year-old boy, suddenly giving a crystal clear explanation for the absurd tantrums, poking Tito Vilanova in the eye (seriously – who outside a school playground pokes someone in the eye?), the bullying of the football world’s speccy and nerdy kids (referees) and the absolute obsession with ensuring everyone’s looking at him, him, him. Presumably, the next time there’s a whiff of a suggestion that some cameras might not be pointing in his direction, he’ll take off all his clothes and run around the garden, before being sent to bed on the grounds that he’s ‘over-tired’. Bad José. Go to your room without any dinner.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHTQUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s a really brave decision. It’s a decision that I don’t think is necessarily the wrong decision, but the bigger factor is it disappoints me that he’s lost that dream” – Torquay boss Chris Hargreaves bemoans his goalkeeper Jordan Seabright’s decision to quit football in favour of becoming a car salesman and perhaps overplays the position of Torquay goalkeeper.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re. Robbie Savage’s lawyer earning his fee for the defence that he needs his license in order to escape the abuse he may (will) receive from the public (Friday’s letters): if this is anything to go by anyone would think that he was purposely trying to lose his license. Perhaps a better defence would have been that poor Robbie doesn’t have the money for a taxi – oh” – Ben Marlow.
“Manchester City fans will be outraged at your smug claim that ‘Barcelona are set to say adiós’ to their team. No way! It will of course be adéu” – Charles Antaki (and no other català pedants).
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BITS AND BOBS
Jordon Ibe will get to discuss in length the merits of Drake’s latest single with the Liverpool physio after the winger was ruled out for four weeks with knee-knack.
QPR have announced financial-ouch that amounts to £9.8m in losses for the year ending May 2014.
Police have launched an investigation into allegations of r@cist abuse by Chelsea fans on a train from London to Manchester.
Gibraltar boss Allen Bula, who genuinely believed Gibraltar could finish third in the Euro 2016 qualifying group of death, is now former Gibraltar boss Allen Bula.
Wayne Rooney tried and failed to explain why Angel di María has resembled a sub-Sunday league footballer in recent weeks. “I think he will figure it out, we all have to do that sometimes,” head-scratched Rooney. “You don’t lose your talent overnight.”
And Geordie drone Alan Shearer is going to be honoured with a whopping big statue plonked somewhere in Newcastle city centre. In the interests of lazy journalism and cheap shots, send your mocked-up versions of said statue togallery@theguardian.com.
RECOMMENDED LISTENINGSTILL WANT MORE?
Our writers went above and beyond the effort you would ever see in this here tea-timely email to bring you 10 Premier League talking points, despite there being just eight games.
Philippe Coutinho looked like a little boy lost in a pound shop at the beginning of the season, but his rapid improvement since the beginning of January has mirrored that of Liverpool’s, whoops Andy Hunter.
Paolo Bandini isn’t filing until tomorrow so get your Serie A fix with this club guide to Sassuolo, a team that owes much to a Northern Premier League Division One North team. Yeah, straight up.
Sid Lowe’s La Liga blog on Scottish people. Here.
Rafa Honigstein’s Bundesliga blog on superheroes. Here.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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2015년 3월 2일 월요일
The Fiver
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