Come on Tim!
 THE FIVER COOKS VILLA’S PREMIER LEAGUE GOOSE, BY WISHING TIM SHERWOOD ALL THE BEST
Everyone likes to see a big club get relegated, it’s the best part of football. What would be more satisfying than watching, say, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester City, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur all slipping down the divisions in the next couple of seasons? Nothing, that’s what! (Though we’d need at least Nottingham Forest and Nasty Leeds to finally come back up, so The Fiver still has some people to project its barely concealed feelings of inadequacy on to.) So most people, it’s fair to assume, will be fervently hoping to see relegation-haunted Aston Villa drop down to the second division. Nothing against the midlands giants per se, but you can’t have Big Cup on your CV if you want people to prefer you over Burnley, that’s just the way things work. They’ve made their bed, and now they’re thrashing about in it, crying. We have empathy.
Anyway, The Fiver had been firmly in this behemoth-baiting camp, waiting eagerly and impatiently for Villa to be reduced to second-tier status for the first time since 1987. And then something strange happened. Tim Sherwood became their manager. And there he is, being patronised to within an inch of his life by all and sundry for … well, what, exactly? Talking himself up in a few press conferences? Well, who doesn’t, and the man needed a job. Doing that cheesy oh-captain-my-captain routine with Emmanuel Adebayor during his time at Spurs? Hey, The Fiver’s a sucker for showy sentimentality, and what’s wrong with being nice and having a bit of fun. Celebrating goals by sprinting up and down the touchline like an ITV2 Mourinho? Well, what would folks rather he do, sit in the dugout with a grim look on his coupon, pompously scribbling in a notepad, pretending he’s above it all?
The poor man’s not even been allowed to wear a coat without getting it in the neck. So come on Tim. And you’ll have needed a heart of stone, or a season ticket at the Hawthorns or St Andrews, not to have been pleased for Sherwood on Tuesday night when West Brom keeper Ben Foster suffered a thundering nervous breakdown at Villa Park and gifted the hosts a precious injury-time victory. And a richly deserved one, given Villa were two goalline clearances and the width of a post away from taking a 4-0 half-time lead. The win ended a sequence of seven straight league defeats, and Sherwood ostentatiously checked his pulse at the final whistle. “When I left home my wife said she’d done the Euro lottery with a £54m jackpot but I said I’d take three points all the way,” he later simpered, hamming it up all the way. And good for him, for suddenly those points have catapulted Villa three clear of the drop zone, only one behind Sunderland, and a mere three behind Everton. [Fiver scribbles a couple of new names in notebook, then cuts and pastes opening paragraph with a view to renosing in three or four weeks’ time.]
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHTQUOTE OF THE DAY
“The players are pretty scared and frightened and one player mentioned it was like a heart attack because of the pace at which the elevator crashed to the ground. We just give God thanks that we didn’t experience the worst” – Garfield Fuller, head of Jamaica’s delegation, reflects after nine members of the U-17 squad were caught in a lift that fell to the ground from the third floor at the Hilton Princess Hotel in San Pedro Sula. Demar James and Deshane Beckford – among the players in Honduras taking part in the Concacaf U-17 Championship – came off worst but avoided serious injury, suffering back-gah! and knee-knack.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Premier League Teams playing their ‘B’ sides in the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy (yesterday’s Still Want More?). As a fan of a lower-league team, I’m full of rage – you could say I’m overcome with emulsion” – Patrick Brennan.
“May I be the first among up-to-date pedants to inform Graham Haslam that his pedantry (yesterday’s Fiver letter) comes literally far too late and that he will have to literally apologise to all those children he has unjustly maligned. Only last year the pedant’s Bible, The Oxford English Dictionary, put the rubber stamp on acceptance of the non-literal use of literally. It is therefore now entirely correct to use the word ‘literally’ as an emphasiser in the sense of ‘especially’ or ‘particularly’ and as ‘very’ can be used with those two words it can certainly be used legitimately, if a little inelegantly, with ‘literally’ in that sense. I am, of course, not for one second suggesting that The Fiver knew that! Literally” – Barry Etheridge (and 1,056 others).
“Mildly disappointed that the footballers in songs quiz (yesterday’s Still Want More?) didn’t include the classic London Posse song Pass the Rizla, with the lyrics
‘When I kick it on the grass I’m wicked like …’ a) Pele b) Maradona c) Rodney Wallace. In case there was any doubt, the answer is c)” – Diego Black.
“If Tony Mowbray can’t sort out the mess at Coventry City (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), he should consider taking his broom and trying curling. I took it up last year and it is a very challenging and rewarding sport. His experience of frosty receptions might be a benefit too” – Fraser Moores.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Patrick Brennan.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Steve Bruce and Gus Poyet have been chatting the good chat in the wake oftheir touchline contretemps during Tuesday’s 1-1 draw. “Read my lips and then we’ll see who said what,” hissed Poyet, who was sent to the stands before sparking his counterpart into some comedy Scrappy-Doo-style posturing. “It was grown men acting like children,” sighed Bruce before spending a day in The Fiver’s shoes. “Look, we all do stupid things but we will all wake up in the morning and regret it.”
Stefano Colantuono has been packed off as Atalanta’s coach after four Serie A defeats on the spin. “Atalanta have entrusted the team to Mr Edy Reja,” trilled an all-business club statement.
Millwall manager Ian Holloway admits his job could well be on the line after a 3-0 defeat to Middlesbrough. “It doesn’t help when you’re not popular with the fans,” parped Holloway, possibly in the direction of the 31 who travelled to the Riverside. “I would hope to continue but if other people don’t then that’s their decision.”
Four-goal Radamel Falcao will have to wait until May to discover if Manchester United are to make his move from Monaco permanent.
Wycombe boss Gareth Ainsworth has defended Matt McClure, who got sent off barely a minute after coming on as a sub in the win at Tranmere. “I know Matty McClure very well and he would never try and hurt anyone,” over-familiarised Ainsworth.
And fashion designer Luke Roper will be in charge of suiting and booting Walsall for their Wembley debut in this month’s JPT final. “Walsall market was the place of my first job, back in 1989, ironically selling fashion fabrics of all things,” he Alanised. “It’s great to give something back to the town. There is a real feel-good factor going around, the banter is great.”
STILL WANT MORE?
The Alan Hutton Conundrum. This should be a new daytime quiz show or even a laboured Hollywood actioner, but it’s also the title of this Paul Wilson blog.
Football’s late-breaking unbeaten runs and winning streaks feature in this week’s edition of The Knowledge.
Big Sam, the manager who gave Bolton the time of their lives. By Blair Newman.
Part two of the 2015 MLS team previews, from Houston Dynamo to New York City FC.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
| ||
2015년 3월 12일 목요일
The Fiver
피드 구독하기:
댓글 (Atom)
댓글 없음:
댓글 쓰기