ZLATAN BATTLES THE BLUE ROBOTS
In 1997, psychedelic rockers The Flaming Lips released an experimental album called Zaireeka. It was spread over four compact discs, and the idea was that you played all the discs at the same time in four separate CD players. A dissonant yet sensual sonic landscape, it was hailed as an avant-garde masterpiece, albeit very much one for the connoisseur. At which point the band changed tack, whacked out a few catchy pop singles, and became one of the most popular beat combos of the early 2000s.
There may be a moral in this story for José Mourinho, who last night rejected the stultifying mores of everyday football to
unveil 11 separate envelope-pushing contemporary dance pieces simultaneously: Man Walking To Shops; Man Sauntering To Shops; Man Popping Down To Shops; Man Sighing While Waiting For Bus; Man Taking Dog To Park; Man Yawning; Man Yawning While Scratching Arse; Man Ambling Down Stairs To Pick Up Post And Paper From Doormat; Man Considering Making Nice Pot Of Tea; Manchester United Surround Andy D’Urso (Homage To West Side Story); and Man Strolling Back From Shops With Fag On.
Unlike the similarly structured Zaireeka, the resulting mélange was not a critical success. None of it fitted together, most of it meandered aimlessly in different directions, and the only high-tempo section jarred alarmingly and managed to annoy just about everyone. “It felt like I had a lot of babies around me,”
reminisced Parisian artiste Zlatan Ibrahimovic, of an improvised collaboration with Oscar that led to him being bundled off the stage. One of Chelsea’s independent dancers was quick to respond to the criticism, albeit with nothing more coherent than a bit of whataboutery. “Once they’re charging the ref, the only thing we can do is respond,”
argued Plain Old John Terry, although in fairness he added that “it doesn’t look great”, tapping into hitherto latent aesthetic sensitivities.
Terry then admitted that Chelsea’s latest artistic misfire casts some of the collective’s other projects in a new light. “It’s got to be forgotten. The Premier League is all we have got to go for now, and it’s a massive one for us. Southampton will come here playing on the front foot and, if we’re not at it, we’ll drop points and slip away in the Premier League.” Chelsea’s domestic performances, as opposed to those on the European circuit, have on the whole been much more assured. But if last night’s showing was anything to go by, they’re becoming increasingly befuddled with over-elaborate concepts of negativity. If they don’t want the Premier League to go the way of Europe, it might be time for Mourinho to take a leaf out of Wayne Coyne’s book and come up with something a little less complicated in order to please the masses.
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BITS AND BOBS
File under “one to watch”: Real Madrid president, Florentino Pérez, says he fully supports Carlo Ancelotti and Gareth Bale. “We have the best coach and the best players that Real Madrid could have,”
roared Pérez. “Gareth Bale is one of the best players in the world. The biggest clubs fought and continue to fight to secure his services.”
Parkour expert Stuart McCall has arrived at the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers to take over as manager.
Adnan Januzaj has been pumping zee eye-on in a bid to help his Manchester United career. “I do a lot of work in the gym,” he cooed,
channelling his inner Burgundy. “I am doing a lot of short, sharp stuff so, when I turn a defender or go past a player, I can just get a few metres away from them with my acceleration.” Before presumably falling over.
Manchester City have decided that they want Martín Demichelis to hang about a bit longer, and have offered him a one-year contract extension until the end of next season. “I will fight to try and win titles,”
he growled.
Fifa has booted Zimbabwe from World Cup 2018 qualifying after the nation’s FA repeatedly failed to pay José Claudinei Georgini for his spell as manager in 2008.
And Japan have announced the appointment of former Algeria and Ivory coast manager Vahid Halilhodzic, who left Turkish side Trabzonspor in November.
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‘SOMETIMES IT IS BETTER TO LIGHT A FLAMETHROWER THAN CURSE THE DARKNESS’
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