Turning up for work dressed like Christian Grey

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- Jacob Steinberg
- theguardian.com, Friday 6 March 2015 10.43 EST

The atmosphere building at Valley Parade, earlier. Photograph: Gary Calton for the Guardian

50 SHADES OF SILVER

The Fiver has a raging hot temperature. Poor Fiver’s dripping with sweat, snot and tears and it’s been hallucinating. It’s been hallucinating that it’s Roy Essandoh. It’s been running around Fiver Towers, alarming its colleagues by throwing itself into filing cabinets while pretending to do a Keith Houchen diving header, and it’s also painted itself silver, just like a trophy. Everyone finds that pretty worrying, too. There have been concerned looks, but it could be worse, The Fiver could have turned up for work dressed like Christian Grey. Or Stuart Gray. Or, God forbid, Michael Gray. And anyway, how about some understanding? We’re clearly dealing with a serious case of FA Cup fever here. It’s a bit like Capital One Cup fever, only instead of making you obsessed with credit ratings, it makes you think you have magical powers. Before you know it, you’ll have hired Weird Uncle Fiver to be your lovely assistant.

That’s the power of the FA Cup in association with American Cooking Oil. The quarter-finals are upon us, a place at Wembley is in sight for four lucky clubs and what thrills and spills the weekend, and Monday night, has in store for us. It starts at Saturday lunchtime with Bradford v Reading. League One v Championship. Romance. A cabbage patch of a cabbage patch of a pitch. A tie that everyone will make a big show out of pretending to watch, because this is Real Football, a throwback to when men were men and footballs were footballs, but actually they’ll really have used it as an opportunity to do whatever it is non-football people do with their Saturdays – hunting, perhaps, or visiting art galleries.

Then it will be back to the sofa in time for the big one, the Premier League clash between the big boys, Tactics Tim’s resurgent Aston Villa against Tracksuit Tony’s West Brom. Whatever the score, expect plenty of touchline Tactics theatrics, which will be in stark contrast to Brendan Rodgers’ knowing clenched fist when Liverpool take the lead against Blackeye Rovers on Sunday. Rodgers had it planned all along. Brendan knows.

But the main event is on Monday night, when Clever Lou’s Ashley Young Experience host Almost Football Club. Almost have had a terrible record at Old Trafford since last winning there in 2006, but they’ll be confident of victory this time given that Marouane Fellaini and Ashley Young have been the Ashley Young Experience’s best players in recent weeks, while the stage is set for Mesut Özil to score the winner after Paul Scholes’s two-footed criticism of his performances. “I think a player like Paul Scholes would have loved to play with Mesut Özil,” Arsène Wenger yawned. It’s not the same as when Lord Ferg was around, is it?

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“As a player you take anything off the ball; pinches and kicks that are meant to wind you up. Little things like that go on in any match. But spitting is pretty low. If it happened to me and someone spat at my face or towards me then I think he’d be eating his supper through a straw that night. I wouldn’t be that happy. It’s the lowest of the low” – cool story, Jonathan Walters.

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FIVER LETTERS

“Marten Allen’s response to the 31 Millwall fans thread (Fiver letters passim) in turn reminded me of when I was a member of a particularly small away throng. Season 1989-90 (late September/early October if memory serves), the Zenith Data Systems Cup, venue: Roker Park for Sunderland v Port Vale. Being Middlesbrough fans, and having seven months earlier seen one of our favourite players (Dean Glover) expedited out of Ayresome Park suspiciously quickly (that’s another story) to Port Vale, my dad, brother and I saw this as an excellent opportunity to see our hero in action for the first time since signing for Vale. The mythical (ie non-existent) Roker Roar was nowhere to be heard as Vale, complete with Mr Glover in the unfamiliar position of centre-back, ran out 3-1 winners much to the delight of my family and the eight other Port Vale fans standing in the away end … another of which was one of my dad’s mates who was a genuine Valiant but also lived in Middlesbrough. For a beautifully poetic end to this rather rambling tale, Vale faced Middlesbrough in the next round and lost 3-1 as Boro embarked on a cup run that would lead to a first ever appearance at Wembley” – Paul Snowdon.

“My mate Billy, a lifelong Wrexham fan but living near Nottingham, went with a friend to watch them at Notts County in an evening fixture. By kick-off, no supporters coaches from Wrexham had arrived and so the two of them were quite alone in the away end. Then Wrexham scored and they jumped up and down celebrating. The County fans responded with the chilling: ‘We’ll see you both outside’” – David Barton.

“Re: footballers in rap lyrics. If we go back to the heady days of 1994, Aswad namechecked Ian Wright in their hit ‘Shine’. Not content with a footballer, they also include a couple of boxers, a sprinter and a hurdler (Nigel Benn, Chris Eubank, Linford Christie and Colin Jackson). Technically it’s a reggae track rather than rap, but the name-checking does take place in the rap bit” – Lee Manuel.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Paul Snowdon.

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BITS AND BOBS

Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have voted Dave King and co on to the club’s board in a blow to Mike Ashley claim to the throne. That’s Dave King, who paid £44m in 2013 to resolve a case in South Africa surrounding 41 tax fraud convictions that could have sent him to prison for 82 years.

Uncle Sepp says it’s time for Iran to end its ban on women entering stadiums. Nothing about those pesky human rights and World Cup hosts, mind. Or tighter shorts, for that matter.

Martin Glenn, famous for giving Gary Lineker a crisps deal, will look to translate all his experience of the food industry to football after being named the new FA chief executive. More health-conscious sponsorship deals ahoy! “I am incredibly proud to have been chosen to play my part in shaping the future direction of the FA,” cheered the former head of Bird’s Eye and United Biscuits.

The state of football dept, part MMMMCMLXXXVII.

Arsenal’s Gabriel Paulista has completed his probationary period and is now a fully fledged Gunner after being ruled out for three weeks with hamstring-knack.

And tournament organisers have banned beers, drums and banners from this year’s Copa América in Chile. “Our aim is to create a framework so the football community can enjoy a safe party, and exclude from the stadiums those who have set themselves apart from the football community,” sniffed José Roa, head of the Chilean government’s F.U.N police.

STILL WANT MORE?

Jacob Steinberg drools over no-look passes in this week’s Joy of Six. Includes Laudrup brilliance.

Bradford co-chairman Mark Lawn tells Jamie Jackson about savouring the club’s FA Cup run at a harrowing time for his family.

England should put all their eggs in their U-21 basket, reckons Barney Ronay. [Even if that basket is being carried by Gareth Southgate – Fiver Ed?]

Blackeye Rovers have overcome some fowl times and will be looking to ruffle Liverpool’s feathers, writes Paul Doyle.

Where did it all go wrong for Lukas Podolski? Conrad Leach has a delve.

Ronald Koeman brought his Southampton players on a team bonding trip which included some terrible attempts at playing ice hockey. And Shane Long doing his best Bob Marley impression. Here’s how it (and they) went down.