HUNGRY FOR MORE?
It’s been a while since we heard of a big-boned, oft-knee-knacked brilliant Brazilian with an appetite for saturated fat and
high-farce in the bedroom, but last night The Ronaldo waddled his way to a press conference at USA! USA!! USA!!! NASL soccerballers The Fort Lauderdale Strikers with something to say. As assorted hacks gobbled their way through the buffet cart, having heard who would be in attendance, the specialist in fluid retention had some potentially big news for them. Yes, he would be making
a comeback to the world of weight-loss.
You see it’s been two years since Ronaldo last tackled the fatty acid in his system by appearing on Globo’s Medida Certa (The Right Measure), a Brazilian version of Celebrity Fit Club that helped the two-time Ballon D’Or winner shed enough so he could stand comfortably next to a man in a padded suit without the general public wondering which one was the club mascot. But now the 38-year-old says he will use the possibility of a return to professional football with the club he part-owns as a motivator to get back in shape.
“I love to play, I love soccer, that was all my life my big love. When I retired, I stopped playing because of my body, so much pain and injuries,” sniffed Ronaldo, who when he wasn’t scoring goals, was usually being prodded by club doctors in a career with more ups and downs
than the The Big One. “To play a soccer game you have to be in very good shape. I will try for myself, it’s another challenge, I am sure it will help the league, help the team. I will train a lot, and if the [coach] needs me, maybe,” he wheezed, as Hot Shot the mascot
stepped to one side in order that he could be seen.
It’s an interesting diet plan and one that The Fiver’s American cousin, Chad-Fat-Camp Fiver, will watch with interest over the coming months. But we can’t help but think that, having studied advertising for the past two years, Ronaldo is perhaps using the weighty knowledge of his own standing to flog a few extra season-tickets for a team that needs a big, fat, injection of celebrity appeal if it is to punch its weight in a league that most people think is for racing stock cars. Either that, or his Belly Burner Belt is properly knacked.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The club received the evidence from [Big Website], launched an immediate investigation into the matter and has terminated our association with Mr Aakjaer. Manchester United is an inclusive organisation and will not tolerate this sort of behaviour” – Old Trafford suits hastily remove
European scout Torben Aakjaer from their payroll
over a series of anti-immigration slurs posted on his FaceSpace account.
FIVER LETTERS
“Please can I recommend The Fiver steers clear of any future Prometheus analogies (yesterday’s Fiver). Referring to an individual who ended up being tortured every day, by the same punishing method, at exactly the same time(ish), with monotonous regularity … might just resonate too much with your reader. Sorry” – Angus Golding.
“I can endorse Mr Karamfiles’ experience regarding the Manchester Ship Canal Company (yesterday’s Fiver letters), having had my budget surgically removed by the aforementioned for the pleasure of disposing of dredged material from the canal to facilitate taking heavy cargo off our busy roads. However, this is the nature of capitalism and in particular the consequence of a private company owning a valuable monopoly resource. By way of contrast, Radamel Falcao finds himself in a competitive, non-monopolistic situation as one of a number of slow, perennially crocked 28-year-old strikers. So, it may be more beneficial to Mr Falcao’s pension pot if he ignores the attractions of the good ship Do One and instead asks his agent to convey him in time-honoured fashion by BMW M1 sports car and M6 motorway” – Ian Tasker.
“If we discount the fact that the ‘Manny Ship’ opens into the south side of the Mersey Estuary, and is therefore in contact with Liverpool and Everton, it pretty much serves Manchester only. The rest of the Inland Waterways network, however, provides a handy ‘back-door’ escape route for those players who arrived large in proper ships, but who are leaving quietly in rather narrowed circumstances. Manchester is canal-connected to such footballing career safety-nets as Burnley, Blackburn, Wigan, Sheffield and even Leeds. If Runcorn Top Locks on the Bridgewater canal are truly to be reopened, there will also be a useful way to slip such players back out to sea without raising undue attention” – Luke Williams.
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BITS AND BOBS
Alan Pardew has offered on-loan Yaya Sanogo a ringing vote of confidence before his Crystal Palace debut. “Strikers in the Premier League don’t always have to contribute goals,” straw-grabbed the Eagles manager. “He offers a chaos factor – you’re not sure what he’s going to do.” This is presumably is the same chaos factor
offered by Professor Chaos and his garden hose.
Millwall were so abject in their 4-0 FA Cup replay loss at Bradford
that the club will refund the 456 fans who made the journey to Valley Parade. “It is time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and man up,” bellowed Alan Dunne.
Congo’s Africa Cup of Nations campaign has got off to a bad start –
coach Claude Le Roy isn’t too chuffed with the team hotel. “There are not enough places for my staff and it’s even difficult to find rooms for the players,” he wept. “The electricity is terrible, everything is exposed. I wanted to wash my hands. There was no water.”
$tevie Mbe hasn’t left Liverpool yet but the club are already thinking about bringing him back. “It’s conceivable,”
cheered chief suit Ian Ayre. “It happens a lot in MLS, and it’s something we talked to [$tevie] and his representatives about.”
After spotting just how well handing a new contract to an international manager before a major tournament worked out with Fabio Capello, the FA has extended the England U-21 boss Gareth Southgate’s deal before the European U-21 Championships.
And two months after suffering the knack, Arsenal’s Mikel Arteta has been ruled out for three months
with ankle-ouch. Mathieu Debuchy is also out for that long with shoulder-gah!
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