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Sacrificing continental glory for the overwhelming joy of finishing fourth
 EURO TRASH
The Fiver remembers a time when one of the supposed advantages afforded to Manchester United’s push for Big Cup qualification was that they had fewer games to play compared to their rivals. Well, this week’s Big Cup and Big Vase action has put paid to that. Fiorentina said arrivederci to Tottenham, Besiktas bid gule gule to Liverpool, Monaco all but waved au revoir to Arsenal and Barcelona are set to say adiós to Manchester City. These defeats can, no doubt, be put down to the burning desire to fly high in the Greatest League in the World. It has nothing – nope, absolutely zilch – to do with them coming up against better teams. They are just happy to sacrifice continental glory for the overwhelming joy of finishing fourth and therefore ending up in the same position this time next year.
It also explains why Everton are the only remaining English team left in Big Vase. It’s simple: Bobby M does not care much for the Greatest League in the World. That’s why they are in 12th, six points off relegation and why they are off on a nice and pleasant jaunt to Kyiv next month. “Being the last English team in the tournament is a really satisfying achievement, though I must admit I am surprised to be in that position, with all the quality we have in our league,” Bobby M said, pretending to be surprised but knowing full well that Everton are only there because they have ignored domestic duties in favour of exploration. However, one saving grace from a European disaster that makes the Greek financial crisis look like someone who washed their jeans with a fiver still in their pocket is that there was no teary European farewell for $tevie Mbe after hamstring knack kept him out last night.
The Fiver also remembers those heady days a long, long time ago (ahem, last month) when Tottenham were in with a chance of a cup treble. Mauricio Pochettino was bringing back the glory days, Harry Kane was the great hope and there would be many, many opportunities to point the finger down Seven Sisters Road and laugh at their struggling neighbours. However, the complexion has very much changed for Spurs and all that is left now is Sunday’s Milk Cup decider against Chelsea. The same Chelsea they have beaten only once in 11 games (albeit that was the most recent meeting). And the same Chelsea they have not defeated away from White Hart Lane since 2008’s Milk Cup final.
“We created chances and needed luck to score,” a luckless Pochettino said after last night’s 2-0 defeat in Florence when Roberto Soldado somehow managed to pass towards Nacer Chadli when through one-on-one. “Sometimes you need luck,” repeated Pochettino before reminding us after a 2-0 reverse that “we did not score and they go to the next round.” Just in case you didn’t know. And to compound matters, one of Fiorentina’s goals was scored by Mohamed Salah, who is on loan from, yes, Chelsea.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When you are in the public eye and have to offer opinion on people’s football teams you are regularly accosted when you are out in public. As a consequence, the car provides something of a safe haven when getting from home to work and to charitable functions” – Lawyer Philip Morris more than earns his fee after helping Robbie Savage avoid a driving ban for speeding at 99mph, claiming (probably correctly) that his client would get abused by fans on public transport.
FIVER LETTERS
“Normally I’m one to let things go, but like the other 1,056 pedants I couldn’t let this go. In yesterday’s Fiver was a reference that made me doubt myself: ‘And Borussia Dortmund’s stadium was cordoned off while a World War II bomb, that was somehow overlooked for the best part of 60 years, was defused.’ Now I’m not claiming to be mathematical genius but if this was a full 60 years ago, never mind the best part of, the Fiver is implying Germany was being bombed almost 10 years after WWII had ended. Was this missed out of my history classes, or is the Fiver unable to perform simple subtraction/addition?” – Dan Harvey.
“I’d like to thank Cassie Houlden’s appreciation of my convoluted joke in Wednesday’s Fiver and also for mistaking me for the erstwhile Middlesbrough, Manchester City and current Sunderland and occasional England player, Adam Johnson. Like him, I am also left-footed and have a temperamental thunder bast*rd of a strike, however, I bet I’m much funnier than him. Although from recent emails there is not much evidence of that” – Adam Jackson.
“In yesterday’s Fiver, Jonathan Wilson is described as a Floating Football Brain in a Box. Box? Did someone break the jar? Looking at you, Glendenning” – Joe Pearson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Joe Pearson.
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Barry Glendenning chats to Dean Windass.
BITS AND BOBS
Manuel Pellegrini reckons Liverpool being tired after 120 minutes of football and a long flight will give Manchester City an advantage when they play on Sunday. In other shocking news, two plus two equals four.
Uncle Sepp has come over all Scrooge-like and rejected proposals from a Fifa task force for the 2022 World Cup final to be played two days before Christmas. “The World Cup will not go on until the 23rd, definitely not, we have to stop at the 18th,” harrumphed Blatter. “I am against going to the 23rd.”
Good news for Manchester United: Robin van Persie is suffering from ankle knack and won’t be able to perform poorly against Arsenal in the FA Cup next month. “I do not think it is very heavy but ankle problems can take a long time. It’s not one week or two weeks but we have to wait and see,” mused Louis van Gaal.
Bad news for Manchester United: Brian McClair will end his 25-year career at Old Trafford in May, when he leaves his role as their academy manager to become the Scottish Football Association’s performance director. “I am looking forward to coming home, working with the coaching team at the Scottish FA and the clubs, and sharing the knowledge I have built up to take on this new, exciting challenge,” he wittered.
And Uefa has charged Dynamo Kyiv after some of their fans thought it would be a bit of a lark to attack the visiting Guingamp supporters during their Big Vase match last night. “I saw a stadium at war with rabid dogs that wanted to fight” steamed the Guingamp president, Bernard Desplat.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jacob Steinberg and Ian McCourt sat down in comfy armchairs, with a snifter of fine brandy in their right hands as well as a couple of logs on the fire as they reminisced aboutmemorable League Cup final goals for this week’s Joy of Six.
Paul Doyle was invited to join them but he was too busy writing about why football’s rule book needs a kick up the backside.
Toby Moses and Nick Miller have their own gang, where Nick pretends to be a host of a complicated card gameshow and Toby plays the role of his amusing, if somewhat cynical, sidekick. When they are not doing that, they are writing about 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
David Hytner is also a busy man. He has spent his last few days acting as a marriage counsellor for Sam Allardyce and David Sullivan, and his opinion is that their convenient nuptials are threatened by a struggle for power at West Ham.
Richard Williams sat down and watched the new movie about QPR and reckons it’s dead good.
Take your time, sit down, read this by Barney Ronay and nod in agreement. Then never mention referees again.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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2015년 2월 27일 금요일
The Fiver
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