BEWARE OF GODS BEARING GIFTS
In Greek mythology … stick with us here … Epimetheus was employed by the gods to go about distributing positivity to the new animals the chaps upstairs were rattling off the production line. But his brother, Prometheus, was a bit less cheery and he angered the gods by stealing fire from them. (That bit is less important to the juddering link The Fiver is about draw between Epimetheus and a Premier League manager with customary subtlety but, still, go with us, it all pays off in the ... well, it will kill a few minutes). In revenge for Prometheus’s act, the gods sent Epimethus a gift in the form of hot young thing Pandora and Epimethus took one look at her and thought: “Awlrrriiiight!” Awkwardly, the gods also gave Pandora a jar which contained all the evils of humanity and when she opened it, quite a lot of bad stuff happened. Epimetheus – whose name, incidentally, translates as ‘hindsight’ – got the blame. Beware of gods bearing gifts, ran headlines in the ancient Greek tea-time rags of the time.
When Everton manager Bobby Martínez signed Samuel Eto’o in the summer, it seems he was unaware of the tale of Epimetheus, whose general policy of bestowing positivity on everything and everyone the cultured Catalonian shares. He more than readily accepted the Cameroonian striker
famous for his lighthearted banter and quick quips. “He could have chosen any league in the world and any team just to further his career. He chose to come to Everton because he wanted to be successful – that’s it. I see him as a gift from the footballing gods!”
cheered Bobby M.
And for a while, things went along swimmingly. There was the striker’s 76th-minute goal against his former employers Chelsea on his first appearance for the club, in which the mystero-genarian stuck one in the eye
to the “fool” José Mourinho, who had idly wondered whether the striker’s birth certificate
stood up to close scrutiny. There was that time
he helped a toddler in a bin read a bookentirely about himself. There was the late Big Vase equaliser against, erm, FK Krasnodar. The double against Burnley. There was … erm … oh.
So now the gift from the gods – once praised by his manager because of “his experience and knowhow” – found himself replaced in last night’s FA Cup squad to face West Ham by the experienced know-how of Conor McAleny, 22-year old academy graduate with a total of two substitute appearances for the club. “We had a couple of clubs contact us in the last 12 hours so I decided it was better now to leave him out of the squad,” did-I-really-once-call-him-a-
gift-from-the-gods-no-no-must-
have-been-someone-else-ed Bobby M, sharing another of Epimitheus’s characterisitics – hindsight –
before offering to take Eto’o down the travel agents to book him a first-class ticket aboard the luxury cruise liner Do One.
By coincidence, there is a clause in the apostrophe-hungry forward’s contract that automatically triggers a year-long contract extension should he start 15 games for Everton this season. “It’s natural he’ll get another year,” chirped Martínez in October when Eto’o had bagged four in nine. But now that the striker has scored no further goals, yet is three starts shy of actually prompting that extension and trousering a reported £75,000-a-week for another 12 months, the situation has changed somewhat and Sampdoria and Inter are offering come-hither looks. But then again, perhaps there’s another reason Eto’o is heading rapidly towards the emergency exits. “For me,” said Bobby M on his decision to sign his gift from the gods from Chelsea in August, “the tipping point was when he said the reason for wanting to stay with a team in the Premier League was to win honours.” Ah.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
QUOTE OF THE DAY
6 January: “Jewelly is someone I have known for a long time. We got to know each other on coaching courses as well as in opposition – he has massive experience and when I thought about what I wanted for this post, he fitted the bill perfectly. I’m delighted we have got him and I am sure the players will enjoy working with him” – Tony Pulis welcomes new coach Paul Jewell
to West Brom.
14 January: “It was not by mutual consent and it is in the hands of my lawyer. I will not be making any further comment at this stage” – Jewelly [it’s better than ‘Ram-pant’ – Fiver Ed] reveals he’s taking legal advice
after his sudden exit from the Hawthorns.
FIVER LETTERS
“Having once worked for a telecommunications company that negotiated with the Manchester Ship Canal’s owners for the rights to install a pipe under their canal, I think Aidan Grant’s suggestion of using it to ship players out (yesterday’s Fiver letters) is clever, but misinformed. The obscene prices that companies have had to pay in the past to cross the canal with a little-used-once-installed resource leads me to believe they may demand similar fees for carrying, say, Radamel Falcao” – Kristian Karamfiles.
“I commend The Fiver for finally getting off its tail and doing some proper journalism with its exposé of the murky world of Caribbean Ballon d’Or voting (yesterday’s Fiver). Though, if The Fiver really wanted to impress The Man, it would ask why Fifa lets us know how the voters voted for the Ballon d’Or but remains steadfastly unwilling to give any transparency to the World Cup bidding process” – Scott Tran.
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BITS AND BOBS
Manchester City have
completed the signing of Wilfried Bony for £25m, but only after Swansea City got in a tizz with the Ivory Coast FA when it tweeted confirmation of the move before either club had. “The Ivory Coast have no right to comment,” fumed the Swans. “Once completed, we will confirm via official channels – not the Ivory Coast FA!”
Sunderland have found a fat wedge of cash down the back of a Stadium of Light sofa and think the best way to spend it is on Jermain Defoe’s £70,000-a-week wages for the next three-and-a-half years.
Honk!
Barcelona coach Luis Enrique says a team without Lionel Messi
is unthinkable. The Fiver says a team without Luis Enrique is thinkable.
Stoke defender Robert Huth has been charged by the FA
with aggravated misconduct, in relation to a series of tweets responding to an account that posts $exual images of individuals and asks users to guess their gender.
And Werder Bremen want to bring World Cup goal-getter Miroslav Klose, 84, back to the club. “He has a great name in Bremen,”
roared club suit Thomas Eichin.
STILL WANT MORE?
Breaking the Law, breaking the Law! Breaking the Law, breaking the Law! Jacob Steinberg channels his inner Judas Priest and
suggests the need for sin-bins.
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